24hoursfromtulsehill

Dave if you’re still there...We’re getting the 1155 from Liverpool Street to Prittlewell. That’s where you want a ticket to. I say “we” but at the moment it’s just me.

A champion like me such as Dave Collinge doesn’t do anything “quietly”. Every day is carnival day for winners like Dave and I. You want quiet you have to go down to mid-table. See the studiousness of a never-was like rudemedic. Listen to him squeak as he farms another point from guesswork.

Via Chester with a big target painted on his back.

Right. What train is everyone on for this? Options are 1135, 1155 and 1213.

The fuck would you know really? To be fair this was a big week for Dave Collinge...showing that he can grind it out as well as win with style. Rosa might have got more points but everyone knows who they have to catch now. Morale-wise, if Dave puts in two or three more of these scratchy efforts and just one against-the-grain big haul, it's over and everyone can pack up and go home.

Can’t wait. Zones 2 - 4 will be protected. Zones 5 and 6 will be re-education zones. Southend East and Rochford will be in the punishment zone. Gulag No. 1.

I'm glad we're helping out like this. Me and you are The Big Society aren't we?

I've no idea. I think it'd have to be Stratford. Stratford is the last place within the TfL zone system where the train to Prittlewell stops. Like Leeslover says, you might have to speak to a real person...someone who understands the special needs of out-of-town people. Ask at the ticket hall when you get to Euston, where the recently sacked staff will be only too happy not to help.

Yeah. You’d have to buy anothet ticket from wherever the zoning system ends to Southend. You’re probably looking at an extra tenner I reckon. Could be wrong though.

Off-peak day return. I don't plan on staying. Good man.

Because I'll be walking at about 0.5 miles an hour. Also, can you get me a train ticket? I'm good for the money. You know that. Promise.

This is gonna descend into a diversity and inclusion nightmare...where you take offence at every opportunity and non-opportunity to accuse me of disparaging wimmin, and I get persecuted because of my disability. Minority oppressed groups like us should stick together.

Booooo. The crutches are gone so you'll have to think of something else.

See? Even the Ayatollah of Average gets it. It's one of the things that sets me and Dave Collinge apart. The herd goes one way and we go the other. They take the piss out of us. When they realise what's happening it's too late. Anyway. Rude's schoolboy errors at least show boyish but well placed enthusiasm. Unfortunately for him this is a man's game. @me, rosa.

Is this the December one? I nearly died of hypothermia that day. I locked myself out of my flat in London and had to sit in the pub in pissing wet and freezing clothes till my missus got home at about midnight. It definitely wasn't as wet as Brentford that time when it rained for the entire second half (from the first whistle to the last and not a second longer) and we went down to one of the most miserable effortless defeats of all time.

You're such an OBSESSED fucker. Sure there've been bigger hauls. That wasn't my point. If you were an actual champion, you would've got my point instantly. Instead, you're a "champion" from the era of the highest bidder, so you don't know what I'm talking about. Dave Collinge and even nzlatic know that my point was about going against what everyone else had done and getting the big points. That was worth more than the 11 points themselves. It was demoralising for everyone else. They looked at the weekly scores failing to come up with an answer to the question: "Is there anything I can do apart from paying Stevie J and Bristol to beat this guy?" I still get asked by primitives like yourself whether I sold my soul to the devil in return for the magic.

I respect you because there’s no direct evidence that you bought your title but I don’t see this season as being any more difficult than any other. If anything I’d fancy my chances more in a volatile situation. I won my last title in late February by reeling in 11 points against the betting...when no one else picked up points. Not many players in predicting history have done that...and certainly not decisively. This isn’t the most difficult season by a long way. The best player has retired and the only one to match him is largely living off past glories, spending more time on polishing his lucrative sportsman’s dinner tall tales and such. If you’re finding it difficult, it’s because of all the nightclub personal appearances you’re doing. That goes with the territory as Champion. Enjoy it, but don’t forget what got you there in the first place.

You’re on. Probably get it from Victoria. Get me a pack of Green Lager from M&S will ya? I’m good for the money. Honest.

Uber in Gillingham! Hahahahaha. I might get a cab outside the station...get the guy's number and cab it back to the ground. The Scuzzbucket is a bit scuzzy even for me.

Phew. At least we're out of international weekend and back to the real point of football - predicting certain particulars of the outcome online for no good reason. I can't see past Dave Collinge at the moment...unless Gravity Grave has cooled his wildchild rookie tendencies and is ready to be a man. I'm not rushing to the bookies though. Good to see nzlatic living the high life after last season's success. What's the game all about if you can't have a fuck it attitude the season after you win? What time does he have for predicting when he's got a guest spot at any nightclub up and down the country there for the asking whenever he wants? When can a man study the form when he's being pestered by seaside slags and smalltown hoodlums for autographs and selfies day and night?

And the pub's too far away for me. I'll be in The Suzzbucket at the station end of Scuzzbucket Street. It's only a 30-minute hobble along Scuzzbucket Way to Scuzzbucket Park from there.

I'm looking into my options. I reckon it'll be a slow train option from South London in the circumstances. You have never beaten me at darts or pool in any pub. In fact, I'll start from 501 and you can start from wherever you were when I landed the D16 for victory last time. (It was 258 or some shit like that.) Come to think of it...given that I've got a broken leg, you've got a chance of at least throwing for a double.

Anyway. Hamlet are NOT at home this weekend after all. They’ve got some fuckers away in the FA trophy. So we have a chance of making it through to watch Ireland (the West Brom of international football) struggle for a cynical, spirit-sapping draw against Denmark.

This could be too good to be true, but there’s talk of former players such as Rio Ferdinand, Peter Crouch and IAN WRIGHT putting a bid together.

You’ll like this. Quite possible you’ll see some bucket shaking down at Champion Hill on Saturday. Evil Property Developer has decided not to pay players. 1,500 average attendance every home game and they’re fully skint. Got to be double anything else in the league and probably the two leagues above. Banter.