Friday Joke Factory

[Matt]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

 

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’

 

The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

 

Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?'

 

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I seem to remember this gag as being a sketch on the radio, Round the Horne, Goons something like that...

[Beardy]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

 

The man says, "Yes, it is."

 

Boy "I have a football."

 

Man "That's nice."

 

Boy "Want to buy it?"

 

Man "No, thanks."

 

Boy "My dad's outside."

 

Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250

 

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy "Dark in here."

Man "Yes, it is."

Boy "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy "$750" Man "Sold."

 

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"

 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that :censored: again".

[Beardy]

I heard this years ago, but its a classic!

 

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

 

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

 

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

 

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

 

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got

the wrong man, I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again

 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

 

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

 

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Wait for it, it's a beauty)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

[Beardy]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Al says to Mitchell behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

 

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mitchell replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

 

So, Al deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting or strenuous activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Al began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Al hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer prints the following:

 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

[Guest oa_exile]

The only blonde in the village.

 

Two tourists were driving through Wales..................At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us ? .................. Would you please pronounce where we are...................very slowly?"

 

The blonde waitress leaned over and said,.........................."Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

[Matt]

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

 

Oh jeezus - that's a cracker!

[boboafc]

: How can you tell when Leeds are losing? A: It's five past three.

 

 

Q: What do you call a Leeds fan with many girlfriends? A: A Shepherd

[boboafc]

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

 

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

 

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

 

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

 

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

 

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

 

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

[boboafc]

Sniffer dog on plane

 

A man had just settled into his window seat on the plane when

another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador

Retriever in the middle seat Next to the man.

 

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the

dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog Is a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I put him to work."

 

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:

"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to search. Sniffer jumps down, walks

along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good Boy," and he turns to the first man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

 

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man

 

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab

sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Wow. That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the Police."

 

"I like it!" says the first man.

 

The agent then told sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and

down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, And then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to rubbish all over the place.

 

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't

figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on????"

 

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[garcon]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

 

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

 

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

 

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

 

"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

 

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

 

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

 

"I have." says the fellow.

 

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

 

"She has" says the bloke.

 

"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .

 

"We're having a new kitchen".