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The Blue Lampoon Issue #1


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Family Infighting Apparent In Funeral Guest Book

 

Huddersfield - Yarkshire - More than 60 years of strife and infighting among the Armageddon family reportedly surfaced Monday in the funeral guest book for the patriarch, Lionel Armageddon, 89.

 

"I will forever remember Uncle Lionel as a loving and kind individual—much different than Aunt Doris," one entry read.

 

"It's just like my in-laws not to offer me a lift to the cemetery," read another. During a eulogy given at Horton's funeral service at Life Eternal Baptist Church - West Yorks, the deceased's half brother, Derek, 76, praised him as a "devoted husband to his conniving, money-grubbing bitch of a wife" and urged his "lazy, undeserving children" to take comfort in the fact that their father is in a much more peaceful place.

 

Jeopardy! Viewer Had No Idea He Knew So Much About Weasels

 

Tipton, Black Country - Longtime Jeopardy! fan Brian Mouthwash surprised himself Tuesday when a category on the popular game show revealed that his brain housed an unsuspected wealth of weasel-related knowledge.

 

"What is the Mustelidae family? What are mink, polecats, and ferrets?" Mr Mouthwash recited from his couch, his expression changing from mild bemusement to genuine alarm as he effortlessly responded to weasel-related statements made by the hosts on-screen image. "Who is Pauly Shore? Christ, where the hell is this all coming from?"

 

Mr Mouthwash admitted that he was unsure whether to be relieved or upset that he did not know the Daily Double clue concerning the 1970 Mothers of Invention album Weasels Ripped My Flesh.

 

And finally...

 

Former Marine Sniper Slapped With 3,000-Yard Restraining Order

Plymouth, Devon - Citing Emily Artichoke's right to feel safe traversing vast open spaces, especially when within visual range of clock towers, parking structures, and tall buildings, a judge awarded the 28-year-old a 3,000-yard restraining order yesterday against her former boyfriend, retired Marine sniper Gordon Lee Dishwasher. "When we broke up he started calling me 10 times a day from his job," said Miss Artichoke, who realized Mr Dishwasher's office building, which had an open, flat roof, was only 1,800 yards away. "He had me flinching every time I saw sunlight glinting off any surface within two and a half miles." Mr Dishwasher would not comment on the judge's decision, saying only that he still loved Miss Artichoke and was trying to understand the distance and crosswinds that separated them.

 

And that's the news for today...

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Boxing Gym Gives Inner-City Youths An Opportunity To Punch Each Other Indoors

Miles Platting, Manchester — When 18-year-old Anthony Egg-Whisk first walked into Hurricane Daffodil's Gym he knew only one way of life: using his fists on the streets. But now, thanks to his involvement in this inner-city youth boxing program, he has a new sense of purpose that comes from pummeling others head-to-head in the ring.

 

"What Daffodil taught me is that we don't have to rely on our guns or our knives," said Egg-Whisk, hitting a heavy bag. "Our fists can be lethal weapons, too."

 

For six years, gym owner Ralph Daffodil has been turning young people caught up in the violence of Miles Platting's rough-and-tumble East Manchester neighbourhood into disciplined, trained fighters.

 

"Kids need to see that they don't have to give in to the status-driven gang hierarchy by punching each other bloody for no good reason," said 65-year-old Daffodil. "Here, they learn to believe in their own ability to deliver a barrage of well-timed hooks and powerful uppercuts, until they knock their opponent unconscious in an organised tournament."

 

Daffodil said he's following in the footsteps of his late father, Dominic "Hurricane" Daffodil, who was tired of watching young men throwing their lives away with senseless violence in the streets, and wanted them to see what they're really made of over nine minutes of violence in the ring.

 

According to Daffodil, the thing he's most proud of, beyond showing his kids how to cause the most damage to an opponent, is teaching them, often for the first time in their young lives, how to take care of themselves.

 

"Our guys can stitch up an inch-deep gash or reset a broken nose faster than anybody," Daffodil said. "You'd be amazed how many young people never knew they had to ice their hands after an hour and a half of pounding on someone else's face."

 

Miles Platting High School junior Jamal Flapjack, who used to regularly come home covered with scrapes and bruises, said the three days a week he spends at Hurricane's has taught him discipline.

 

"I would get into wild fights all the time, trying to punch anything that moved, but I've learned that it doesn't have to be that way," Flapjack said. "Now I wait for the right moment and exploit my opponent's weakness, over and over and over, until the ref has to call the fight."

 

The boy's mother, Florence Flapjack, said she's thrilled her son will appear next month on the undercard in a night of fights organised by Daffodil, nothing he has gotten away from "dangerous and shady characters" on the street who only use him to make them money.

 

"I can finally sleep soundly at night, knowing my son is in safe hands," she said. "Young black men need to see that violence is not the only way, that they can follow in the footsteps of heroes like Audley Harrison."

 

"We'll all be all praying for a first-round KO," she added.

 

Daffodil says several "very eager" London based scouts will visit Hurricane Daffodil's in the coming weeks.

 

"Just picturing one of my boys, totally exhausted, covered in sweat and blood under those bright lights—it gives me chills," Daffodil said. "Let's be real, most of these kids will never go pro. But every one of them will gain valuable punching skills they'll need to get them through the rest of their lives."

 

Daffodil says that if he can change one kid's mind about when to turn down a fight, he's done his job.

 

"I don't want them to see people from other schools, gangs, or neighbourhoods as enemies to clobber on till they're black and blue," he said. "I want them to see them as opponents to defeat in the ring with a relentless flurry of jabs, counters, and body blows that leave them out cold on the mat."

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Hero Dog Fills Out Hospital Paperwork

Gt. Yarmouth, Norfolk — Ginger, a four-year-old golden retriever, saved the life of her owner Megan Cucumber, 37, Monday by quickly and efficiently filling out Ms. Cucumbers’s copious emergency-room paperwork. “Without Ginger’s knowledge of my sister’s medical history, which includes multiple food allergies and penicillin intolerance, who knows what could have happened in there,” said Ms. Cucumber's brother Derek, who arrived late at the hospital but was relieved to learn that Ginger had “taken care of everything.” “She filled out the forms, and apparently was the only one who could locate Megan’s insurance card.” Ginger could not be reached for comment, as she was reportedly on hold with a BUPA Health Insurance phone representative for some 50 minutes.

 

Christian Rock Band Cleans Up Hotel Room

 

Milton Keynes, Bucks. — Hotel staff at the Premier Travel Inn found the suite occupied over the weekend by members of the Christian rock band Ruggid Krøss swept, dusted, scrubbed, and readied for immediate occupancy. "Bands have come through here before, but I've never seen anything like this," said housekeeping supervisor Maria Stencil, who was called to the scene after maids expressed alarm at the carefully mended furniture, retouched bathroom-wall paint, and hospital corners the five-member evangelical group inflicted on the hotel's property. "The television was lifted up, dusted under, "Pledged", and placed carefully back in the cabinet. Plus they apparently had our towels professionally laundered at their own expense. There's nothing in the manual about dealing with this type of propriety." Hotel staff are attempting to contact Ruggid Krøss' manager to return the six extra Gideon's Bibles they left in the suite's nightstands.

Small Businessman Conducts Business On Miniature Golf Course

 

Newport, Gwent — Independent entrepreneur Phil Dysentery secured yet another low-three-figure business contract for his four-person commercial cleaning proprietorship on the same miniature golf course where he seals most of his biggest deals, Dysentery announced Monday. "To me, a few holes at FunWorld Adventure Golf is a great way to loosen up my clients and start working my schmooze magic," Dysentery said. "And I'm not above purposefully missing the sphinx's mouth or hitting the windmill blade if it means closing a deal to wash butchers aprons. I just do what I have to do." Dysentery added that he also wasn't opposed to the presence of "a little social lubricant," often finding it beneficial to hash out the fine print over a round of dandelion and burdocks.

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Man Psyches Self Out During Selection Of Ice-Cream Flavour

 

Skegness, Lincs. — Skegness resident Peers Handgrenade found himself "paralyzed" by the sheer immensity of ice-cream options available to him at a local Cold Stone Creamery Monday, sources close to Mr.Handgrenade report. "I was ready to pick out just one nice flavour of ice cream without second guessing what might be good and what was more of a risk, but there's—they have over fortysomething flavours," said an exasperated Mr.Handgrenade, who eventually returned home empty-handed after a self-imposed order-line delay of 26 minutes. "Chocolate cream, mint chocolate-chip, chocolate chunks, white chocolate, just to name a few. And I don't even like chocolate." Mr.Handgrenade is expected to recover well enough to return to his job as a research librarian by Friday.

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OWTB Sunday Supplement

That Was The Week That Was...In Brief

Maghull, Liverpool — Yesterday 32 attendees at an Irish heritage festival were treated for advanced carpal tunnel syndrome after being told to "raise a glass to stinkin' Tom O'Malley," and receiving no further instructions.

 

Isle of Man - The island caught on fire and sank on Tuesday.

 

PICK OF THE WEEK

Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting

 

Burnley, Lancashire — The staff of a regional syndication and licensing division have "absolutely no idea" what is happening with their operations, planning, or corporate structure following their four-hour-long operations, planning, and corporate-restructuring meeting, employees said Monday. "Well, it seems like we are either heading into an 'amazing new era,' or losing our jobs," assistant project coordinator Lisa Conveyor-Belt said. "Or maybe it's something else altogether. At the very least, I'm fairly sure that this meeting concerned how we operate, plan, and structure our work. I think." Ms. Conveyor-Belt said she hoped some of the finer details of the meeting would be made clear in one of the follow-up meetings on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday

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