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The Blue Lampoon Issue #2


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Old Gypsy Woman Run Over Without Consequence

 

Dunfermline, Fife - Area motorist Moe Boloczs is not showing any signs of weight loss, suppurating lesions, dementia, blindness, or any other grave maladies two weeks after maiming an 83-year-old Gypsy woman with his Ford Galaxy. "I have to tell you, it's a relief to suffer no repercussions after dragging a wizened crone in a black babushka under my people carrier for two streets," said Boloczs, who did not report the accident in an effort to escape arcane retaliation. "I really thought I'd be vomiting scorpions and weeping centipedes by now." Boloczs added that, now that the old superstitions about curses and "evil eyes" have been proven to be wives' tales, he will not be concerned about running over old gypsy women in the future.

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Chicken Feeling Better

Fakenham, Norfolk - A chicken at HappyFood Farm processing plant downplayed reports of illness over the weekend, saying she was feeling much better. "I might have had a touch of some sort of flu, but I'm over my fever and keeping the ol' corn down. B'CAWK!" the broiler told trade journal Which? Poultry UK yesterday. "There's absolutely no need to smother me in a bin liner or incinerate me whatsoever!" A Farm spokesman said the chicken will soon resume her duties pecking at grain and being oblivious to her future as a cordon bleu sandwich.

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*** BREAKING NEWS *** BREAKING NEWS ***

 

Latest Bin Laden Tape For Completists Only

 

NEW YAWK, The U S of A - CIA analyst Douglas Raffleticket advised the public at large to skip the latest video tape from fugitive Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden Monday. "This latest offering doesn't have anything his post 9-11 work lacks—just the usual ominous threats of total annihilation to the West," Mr.Raffleticket said. "Despite some nice remastering work courtesy of Al-Sahab, it's not bin Laden's best , and certainly not mandatory viewing outside of the intelligence community or bin Laden's more hardcore fans." Mr.Raffleticket's monthly review column on pre-recorded rhetoric runs in 38 foreign-policy newsletters worldwide. "I'd wait for the Christmas boxed set due this December." he added.

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Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day

 

Whitehaven, Cumbria - In a rare case of violence-powered time travel, Whitehaven resident Phil Chapstick was smacked into this week by a forceful blow delivered by his wife during a spat at the mid-priced furniture outfit, DFS. "Wow, I thought she was just talking colourfully," Mr.Chapstick said moments after materialising in a burst of swirling colored light at the corner of Market Lane, just three streets from the site of last week's smack. Mr.Chapstick, who has been dubbed "The Man From Last Week," added: "I have so much to learn about your strange world. So much has changed since my time. Is orange juice still on sale at Aldi? Did the Haven beat Barrow last Sunday? Have hatred and prejudice finally been eradicated?"

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Detective Endangers Own Life By Looking Forward To Upcoming Retirement

 

Liverpool - Police detective Colin Macaroon, who has served the Merseyside Police Constabulary with distinction for more than 45 years, placed his life in severe jeopardy yesterday by announcing that he is looking forward to his retirement at the end of this week. "Retirement is gonna be sweet," Mr.Macaroon boldly told reporters. "Just one more big drug bust Friday over in Toxteth, then me and the wife are off to Monaco in the yacht we've been saving up for our whole lives." Experts say Mr.Macaroon' chances of surviving Friday's bust are infinitesimally small, but note that Mr.Macaroon' partner loves him like a brother and won't rest until he tracks down the b*****d who did it.

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Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty

 

Stoke, Staffs - In his third hammer-induced communion with the Son of God in as many days, local resident Stanley Fishbowl made a vociferous appeal to Lord Jesus Christ Almighty Monday following a blunt ball-peen-hammer blow to his left thumb. "Holy Jesus Christ Almighty in Heaven!" said Mr.Fishbowl, who was repairing a chair at the time of the thumb injury/spiritual communion. Mr.Fishbowl added: "Jesus F*****g Christ!" Spokespersons for F*****g Christ were unavailable for comment at press time.

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