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Joke Time


Nervous_Tic
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A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay man, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick up your heels."

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and still no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

 

 

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

 

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said,

 

 

 

 

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

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A man sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful

woman sitting next to him.

 

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess.

But which airline does she work for?"

 

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta

slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

 

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to

himself: "Blast, she doesn't work for Delta."

 

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards

her again, "Something special in the air?"

 

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and

scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

 

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

 

This time the woman turned on him "What the F*** do you want?"

 

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said :

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"Ahhhhh, EasyJet!"

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I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

 

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

 

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

 

She says, "That sounds fantastic .........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9."

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At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a b**w job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

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Guest oa_exile

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test.

 

Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers represent the number 9."

 

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

 

"What's this?" the boss asks.

 

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.

 

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

 

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

 

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

 

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

 

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

 

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,"Dere you go. One hundred."

 

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

 

 

 

 

 

(Think you'll like this one.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred..........................So, when do I be starting the job?!"

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At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a b**w job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

:grin: And the same to yours, Exile.

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An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test.

 

Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers represent the number 9."

 

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

 

"What's this?" the boss asks.

 

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.

 

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

 

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

 

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

 

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

 

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

 

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,"Dere you go. One hundred."

 

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(Think you'll like this one.)

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred..........................So, when do I be starting the job?!"

 

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Guest oa_exile

THESE SHOULD KEEP YOU AMUSED FOR A WHILE !

 

The 1st Affair

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 

-----------------------------------------------------

The 2nd Affair

 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was

horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

"Not this time!"

 

---------------------------------------------------

The 3rd Affair

 

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. Itmust be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!"

 

------------------------------------------------------

The 4th Affair

 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too. No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

 

-----------------------------------------------------

The 5th Affair

 

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

 

-------------------------------------------------

The 6th Affair

 

Jason was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, "his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

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Old Joe is upstairs on his deathbed when all of a sudden he gets a whiff of his favourite cookies. Unable to resist the temptation he falls on to the bedroom floor, crawls across the landing, tumbles down the stairs and finally manages to breathlessly drag himself into the kitchen. He reaches out to touch a cookie when CRACK, a wooden spoon hits his hand,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Oi, they're for the wake says his wife'

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Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come

this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

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Two elderly couples are having dinner together. After the meal is finished the two ladies go into the kitchen to wash up leaving the two men together.

 

One old man says to the other, "I took the wife to an amazing restaurant last night."

 

"Oh really, what was it called?" asked the other old man.

 

"I can't quite remember... my memory isn't as good as it was, let me think for a moment."

 

The first man thinks, unable to remember.

 

 

 

 

 

After a few minutes he asks, "What's the name of that flower, you know the one you give to someone you love. It's red and has thorns."

 

 

 

"A rose?" the second man says.

 

 

 

"Yes, that's the one!" says the first man, then he turns to the kitchen and yells, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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