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The Blue Lampoon Issue #3

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London 2012 Olympics Get New Medals


London - When the Olympic Games arrive in London in 2012, there will be some changes to the medal system; a tradition carried on since the age of the original Greek Olympics.


But is this such a surprise? After all, todays children are being educated that there are "no losers in life". Sports days no longer depend on ability, because everyone has at least "tried".


The new set of medals will run like this (in order of best to, well - least best):


1. Gold

2. Silver

3. Bronze

4. Zinc

5. Nickel

6. Iron

7. Copper

8. Tin

9. Aluminium

10. Lead

The list of metals was devised by the Olympic Committee, who are under pressure to develop a new 10-layered platform for medal winners to stand on. It has been said that the tallest part will be over a metre in height, and the smallest will be a mere centimetre from the ground.


For events with more than ten competitors, another medal has been devised. Anyone not getting into the top ten will recieve a medal made of cardboard, with the words "It's not the winning that counts, it's the taking part" written on in biro.


The move has been greeted differently by people. Some say it's a marvellous idea, but some are quick to criticise. Mrs Olivia Limpic of The Mews, Oswestry says "But this is utter madness. Even if we reward anyone, in a heat, do all of them go through or still the top three? It has to be the latter, and then what's the point in the other medals?"


However, those who support the movement argue that "at least this way, the UK might win something".


The 2012 Olympics may also see changes in other areas. Sports once thought too obscure to be part of the Games are now being considered. Pie eating is high on the list and extreme ironing is due for its Olympic debut in 2012. Sheepdog trails are, however, not being considered. Owner, dog, and sheep agents have not seen eye to eye since the great sheep revolt at the Sowerby Bridge Open, 2002.

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Ants Demand 23.9-Hour Workday

Hastings, Sussex - Frustrated with what they describe as unreasonable working conditions, a local clan of ants went on strike yesterday to demand that their workday be reduced to 23 hours and 54 minutes. “All we ask is a mere six minutes off each day, so that we might rest and replenish ourselves with nutrient paste,” said ant spokesman HR-23200165-8608. “Is that so unreasonable?” Sources within the ant clan have suggested that the workers are willing to compromise, and would likely accept a 167.65-hour work week. If the strike persists for another three seconds, the queen of the clan has threatened to dispatch her legion of hunter-seeker warrior-class drones to devour the 18,000 ants participating in the strike action.

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Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up


London - A bizarre, unprecedented spinal injury sustained in a car accident Saturday has left Roberto Finocchio paralyzed from the waist up. "Roberto is back on his feet," said Doctor William Ford-Anglia. "Unfortunately, though, he has lost all feeling in his head, arms and torso. No longer able to move from the waist up, he cannot eat, speak, dial a telephone, type, open doors, or look sideways" Doctors said Mr.Finocchio should be able to resume his career as a professional football player as early as next week.

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Evil Hong Kong Kung-Fu Legions Petition For Right To Attack Two At A Time


VICTORIA, HONG KONG – The Red Dragon Legion, a union representing Hong Kong's 22 largest evil kung-fu goon squads, formally petitioned the Hong Kong action-film industry Monday to lift its long-term ban on dual-attacking in fights against the forces of good. "We feel it is both reasonable and fair to permit evil henchmen to pair up, attacking the hero two at a time," the petition read. The union cited a study which found that from 1989 to 1997, 100 percent of diabolical armies who took on lone heroes in a single-file fashion were defeated.

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Study: 82 Percent Of Britains Want To Run Over Ken Morley With A Tractor



Bradford, West Yorks - According to a Gallup poll released Monday, 82 percent of Britains describe themselves as "wanting very much" to run over Safestyle UK Windows ad-man Ken "Loud" Morley with a tractor, with 60 percent of respondents preferring that a trailer loaded with pig iron be attached to the rear of the vehicle. "These figures reflect a 12 percent rise from last year," Gallup official Stewart Lobotomy said. Of the dissenting 18 percent of respondents, 11 percent wanted to bind Morley's ankles with a cable attached to a space rocket, and 7 percent wished to strap him to a stone slab and force him to watch the adverts for 800 hours on continuous loop.

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That Was The Week That Was...

The Sunday Supplement

England win cricket match, fans check calendar

March 30th 2007


Trinidad and Tobago - Michael Vaughan, the England cricket captain, was quoted as being delighted to have beaten the Pacific Island of Tuvalu in a thrilling match in the Super 8 (soon to be replaced by mini DVD camcorders) at the cricket world cup. But immediately many questioned the result, saying that it must be April 1st.


Respected Australian pundit, Richie Benaud said he would not believe the result until he had checked his Letts Pocket Diary and David "Bumble" Lloyd, professional Lancastrian with the Sky Sports commentary team, holding down a lilo on the beach in Barbados, said until he had seen what picture was on his 2007 calendar of Preston at the moment he too would be sceptical.



Tuvalu 381 - 2

England 385 -9 (Flintoff 14 doubles, 13 pints and a pedalo), Collingwood in bed before 9.30, Panesar 219 not out.

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