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The Blue Lampoon Issue #5


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Ahmadinejad: Cultural Learnings of Britain For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Iran

Tehran, Iran, My Man - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is to release a mockumentary in which he fools 15 British sailors into thinking he is a very nice man and definitely not a power-crazed lunatic, hell-bent on the destruction of the West "or anything like that". The Iranian president, who has "absolutely no desire to build nuclear weapons and take over the world (honest!)", announced that he will soon release a feature film showing his hilarious antics.

 

"Jagshamesh, Infidels! Please you go see my moviefilm - is nice!" said Ahmadinejad at a Tehran press conference, accompanied by a donkey and the Iranian Olympic bobsleigh team.

 

The spoof film's plot centres on the adventures of the overtly anti-Semitic president as he seeks to embarrass his arch enemies, Bush and Blair - "they are having always hand-parties with each other and wearing blue hats!" he exclaims in one scene. Ahmadinjad manages to capture some British service personnel who he then delights in parading on state national television, much to the annoyance of the British. "They can kiss my anoos!" he says. In one terribly funny sequence the president somehow manages to convince the captured sailors to wear extremely ill-fitting suits before bamboozling them with bizarre questions and statements such as "you enjoy your holiday in Iran?", "why you let your women in the U and K download cigarettes?" and "I make a romance explosion in Tony Blair's back pussy - yes?"

 

Eventually Ahmadinejad decides to release the sailors as a gift to Britain "for not invading my country yet".

 

A White House spokesman denied that President Bush was leaning on the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences not to give the film an Oscar on national security grounds.

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Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes

 

Tulsa, Oklahoma - The humanoid spawn of Satan, Belial K. Ravana, 16, has proven to be a huge disappointment to his father, His Satanic Majesty reported from Hell Tuesday. "Apparently, young Belial started a fire in the rubbish bin at school today," Satan said. "When I begat young Belial, I had high hopes that he would follow in my cloven-hoofsteps. At his age, I was scorching the earth in hellfire, flensing the skin off of infants, and making the streets of Babylon run red with the blood of the righteous." Satan said he hopes Belial will turn it around and "at least rape the headteacher" before half term.

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Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy

 

Slade, Cumbria - A prison-wide smoking ban instituted last week devastated the infamous Prison's fragile economy, inmate #67545 said Monday. "There were occasional fluctuations or recalibrations, but a bar of soap used to equal three cigarettes; a Mars Bar, four; a Perocet tab, 15," said Norman Fletcher, a career lag currently serving 5 years for stealing an articulated lorry. "After the ban, the value of a carton of Park Drive climbed to 50 times its 1977 value. Now that those fags are gone, it's total chaos", Fletcher said "Slade inmates will have to devise a new system of value based on some other commodity, such as arseholes." Fletcher quicky stuck two fingers up ar Mr.Mackay, and left to find his half of the draughts board.

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New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane

London, England - IntactoAir, a new low-cost, cooperative airline, offers inexpensive fares to passengers who assist with the flight, an airline spokesman said Monday. "Unlike pricey corporate airlines, IntactoAir is run by and for the people," said Dick Pickle, a member of the IntactoAir elected board. "But, in order to keep our ticket prices low, everyone who wants to fly with us needs to pitch in and help us navigate and maintain the aircraft. All positions, from baggage handler to pilot, will be filled by volunteers who sign up for four-hour shifts." IntactoAir will begin taking reservations for daily flights between London and wherever as soon as someone can figure out how to use the booking software.

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50%+ of French Voters Still Undecided.

 

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Defete, France - Recent opinion polls give Nicolas Sarkozy, the French right wing candidate a 2 to 5% lead in the coming French elections, however the majority of the population say they could still change their minds about who to vote for. Pierre Drapeau-Blanc told Blue Lampoon - "Sacre bleu. I want to vote for ze socialists, but I'm waiting to see if Segolene Royal turns out to be a socialist or not. A few weeks ago she was socialist, but zen she became a liberal capitalist, and a few days ago, when she started on about military training camps for adolescents she sounded more like Margaret Thatcheur. How you say er, It's very 'ard."

 

Jean-Paul Grenouille always votes for the right, but even he is hesitating this time. "I'm not sure whetheur to vote for Francois Barou or Nicolas Sarkozy," he told Lampoon. "Zut alors. I always vote for ze mainstream rightwing party, but with Nicolas Sarkozy pretending to be a fascist and Francois Bayrou claiming to be right wing Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and a Socialist on Tuesdays, Zursdays and at weekends, I'm unsure. I zink what I will do is wait see what day ze election falls. If it's on a weekday zen, probability is that Bayrou will get my vote. Or not."

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Best-Laid Plans Of Mice Mostly Cheese-Related

 

Oxford, England - Animal-intelligence researchers have found that the best-laid plans of common laboratory mice are overwhelmingly directed toward the acquisition of cheese. "Whatever rudimentary planning skills mice possess are devoted primarily to finding cheese, and these plans are manifest in dodging predators, chewing through things, and, in specialized cases, running mazes," researcher Samsoe Fontina said. "By contrast, the best-laid plans of men are more long-term, with the acquisition of cheese comprising one subcategory of endeavor." Fontina added that both types of plans tend oft to go awry.

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Dennis The Menace Kills Two, Wounds Three In Bungled Off Licence Robbery

 

Beanotown, England - The world of anarchic comic hi-jinks was in shock last night after police confirmed that famed 'Beano' superstar Dennis 'The Menace' The Menace was on the run following an attempted robbery that went tragically wrong, leaving two people dead and a further three critically injured.

 

The troubled former child star is believed to have entered Sander's Off License at around 9.30 last night 'in a state of confusion and distress,' according to eyewitnesses. One such witness, who escaped the bloodbath that followed, told Blue Lampoon: 'I recognised him as soon as he walked in, only he didn't look like the Dennis I knew. He was hunched and dishevelled. His trademark red and black sweater was covered in stains. He was unsteady on his feet and I think he may have been under the influence of drink or drugs.

 

'The off licence was fairly busy, there were about seven or eight people in there but he was pushing past them, muttering to himself. At first I thought he was just a harmless hooch-hound. Little did I know.'

 

According to reports, Mr The Menace tried to purchase a bottle of vodka but when shopkeeper Arnold McYumpton refused to serve him, he pulled a gun and demanded the contents of the till.

 

'He [McYumpton] just froze,' said our eyewitness, who is now under police protection. 'Then Dennis went crazy. He started shouting and screaming that we were all 'on Walter's side'. Then, when one of the customers tried to bolt for the door, he completely lost it and shot him.

 

'[McYumpton] tried to grab the weapon but Dennis just gunned him down in cold blood. He must have put five or six bullets into him. It was horrific. After that, he just started screaming and firing wildly. Luckily, I was near the door so I could bolt out but others weren't so fortunate.'

 

Last night an enormous manhunt was underway for Mr. The Menace, as experts began trying to unravel the factors behind the child star's decline.

 

Eminent psycho-ma-jigger Dr. Irving Bumprubber told Blue L: 'There are always a number of contributing factors to such violent behaviour. Clearly, the pressures of fame and being in the public eye for so many years would bring their own problems. Plus, there are the widespread rumours - and I must stress, these are only rumours - that Dennis was force-fed anti-growth hormones in order to prolong his scampish appearance.

 

'But, in my professional opinion as a leading psycho-whatsit, the triggering factor behind Dennis's tragic decline was his horrendous home life. As we all know, he was regularly beaten by his father as 'punishment' for his anarchic japery. To exacerbate the situation, this barbaric violance was published for the nation's entertainment. This clearly brutalised and humiliated the boy. I think it's part of the reason Dennis tormented Walter The Softy so much. He was trapped in a vicious cycle of abuse.

 

'All in all, I believe Mr. The Menace to be in a very fragile mental state. In my opinion, he remains a danger to both himself and others.'

 

The police officer leading the hunt for Mr. The Menace - now dubbed just 'The Menace' - reiterated Dr.Bumprubber's call for caution from the public.

 

Speaking outside the Incident Room at Beanotown Police Headquarters, Det. Inspector Frank Manchimp told reporters: 'We'd all like to remember Dennis as the knobbly-kneed, tousle-haired young ragamuffin of so many wonderful adventures with a peashooter in The Beano. Well, I'm afraid that cheeky young scamp died last night - along with two other people - in that off licence.

 

'If any members of the public spot Mr. The Menace, a.k.a. The Menace, please contact the Beanotown Police immediately. Do not, I repeat, do not approach him. Mr. The Menace is now considered, well, a menace. He is armed and extremely dangerous. If he feels he has nothing to lose, he may well kill again if challenged.'

 

Detective Manchimp then issued a personal plea for Mr. The Menace to surrender himself to the authorities before it's too late.

 

'Dennis, if you're listening to this, give yourself up, lad. There's nowhere to go. Too many families have already suffered; too many lives have been lost. Let us remember you for the good times and the laughs, not for being hunted down like a dog and killed in a hail of gunfire.'

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