OldhamSheridan Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 I love 118. My mates and I use it all the time. Probably why we're getting relegated, it's a ridiculous formation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 I love 118. My mates and I use it all the time. Probably why we're getting relegated, it's a ridiculous formation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPILS: A teacher. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveoafc Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 An army captain takes his post in iraq '' what's this camel doing tied up outside the barracks soldier? '' Soldier replies '' there are 250 men here and no women,sometimes the men get urges sir '' A month later the captain gets urges of his own. He puts a ladder behind the camel,gets up and shags it. He says '' Is that how the men do it soldier? '' '' No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel! '' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
futchers briefs Posted April 4, 2010 Share Posted April 4, 2010 My girlfriend asked me if i had ever pissed in the shower. I said "yeah, a couple of times, accidentally." She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?" "Hey", I said, "These things happen sometimes when you're having a :censored:!" Early tip for the Grand National. CREOSOTE 7/1. Good over fences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stebuzz Posted April 5, 2010 Author Share Posted April 5, 2010 A man goes into a library and asks for a book on underage dwarf sex. The librarian says ''how can you stoop so fkin low?'' The man replies '' yes, that's the one!'' irishman goes for a job interview at ICI do you know anything about chemicals says the manager yes , i do says mick. can you tell me what nitrate is please. yes, replies mick. i am sure its time and a half. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 irishman goes for a job interview at ICI do you know anything about chemicals says the manager yes , i do says mick. can you tell me what nitrate is please. yes, replies mick. i am sure its time and a half. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bring Back Ronnie Moore Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 My mates have always mocked me about the size of my penis. Although, I've never heard the wife moan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 The Burnley fan seen punching a wall after seeing his team concede three goals in the first seven minutes of their match against Manchester City had to go straight to hospital. X-rays of his right hand showed he had broken six fingers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Wait a minute...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bring Back Ronnie Moore Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a nice meal and we were ordering dessert. I asked the waiter how much the pie was. "£3.14 sir," he replied. "That's funny," I chuckled. "What's that sir?" He asked. "That Down's Syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Why Parents Drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeslover Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 What happens when you mix Viagra and laxatives? It makes you :censored: in bed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 God Loves Blondes A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray.. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this...... Buy a ticket." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 An Irish Ghost Story Item tagged with ghost, irish, joke, story This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..... 'Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 the church service was ending when the vicar spotted a 50 quid note on the collection tray. He then says, "could whoever put the 50 pound note in please stand up?" a gay bloke stands up "for your generosity you can pick three hymns" so the gay bloke excitedly points and says " oh, i'll have him, him and him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
24hoursfromtulsehill Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I've managed to get a lettuce stuck up my arse. Doctor: That's just the tip of the iceberg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oafc-latics Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 Police investigating the dust cloud which has shut down all air traffic in the UK, have arrested the trophy room cleaners from Manchester City. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldhamSheridan Posted April 17, 2010 Share Posted April 17, 2010 I hate it when I hear someone joke about the Holocaust. It's just so wrong. Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveoafc Posted April 17, 2010 Share Posted April 17, 2010 What's the difference between the icelandic volcano and cheryl cole? There's only one still blowing ash! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Mike said, "Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!". Jim says, "Me as weel. Y'know, I've heard ye can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. Ye wannae try it? So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hootch and get completely smashed. The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this mornin'?" Mike says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yerself?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. Do ye have a sair heid?" Mike says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover, nothin'. We need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff." "Aye! But there's just one thing..." "What's that?". "Have you farted yet?" "Naw..." "Well, DINNAE, 'cause I'm in Dusseldorf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Subject Yorkshire Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!" Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bristolatic Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Jesus is walking through the old market place in Bethlehem when he comes acorss a large crowd who were very excitable, jeering and shouting obscenities. Jesus made his way through the crowd who were throwing stones and rocks at a man who was cowering in the centre. The bombardment of stones and rocks was unrelenting and the man was becoming badly injured. Jesus went to the man, holding up his hand to stop the crowd throwing the missiles. The crowd stopped, not wishing to hit Jesus by mistake. "What has this poor man done?" asked Jesus. "He's been unfaithful to his wife", "He has fathered children by different women", "Women are not safe with him around", "He is a sinner" the crowd shouted. Jesus said "We are all sinners. Each and every one of us is a sinner. Let he who has never committed sin cast the first stone" One by one, the crowd realised that none of them were perfect and, feeling guilty and embarrassed by what they had done, they all slowly put down the rocks and stones. Only one person was left holding a large rock. A middle aged lady at the front of the crowd looked at Jesus, then looked at the large rock in her hand, looked again at Jesus then at the rock. With all her might, she hurled the rock at the injured man, striking him on the side of his head, knocking him unconscious. Jesus looked at the woman, first with sadness in his eyes. Then the sadness turned to pity and then to anger. Jesus strode over to the woman, who was looking triumphant. Jesus was so angry with her and then said: "Do you know, Mum, sometimes you really piss me off." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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