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stebuzz

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A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

 

 

 

 

 

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

 

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

 

To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

 

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

 

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

 

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

 

He moves to the bees enclosure to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, the bees attack him. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

 

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage - because lions eat anything.

 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

 

This lion wanders up to another lion and says

'What's the food like here?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.

 

 

 

I thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Doctor Jokes

 

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

 

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

 

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

 

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

 

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

 

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

 

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I hear the BNP have lost a couple of seats.

I hope this isn't the Rosa Parks thing all over again.

 

 

 

 

Knock knock ......

Who's there ? ......

David ......

David Who ? ......

Gordon open the f*cking door and get out of my house.

 

 

 

 

I was working at my local polling station last night and had to turn a lot of people away...

Stupid women thinking they're allowed to vote.

 

 

 

 

I can't see an end.

I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

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A male patient is lying in bed

 

in the hospital,

 

wearing an oxygen mask over his

 

mouth and nose,

 

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

 

A young student nurse appears to give him a

 

partial sponge bath.

 

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

 

testicles black?'

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

 

'I don't know,Sir.

 

I'm only here to washyour upper body.'

 

He struggles to ask again,

 

'Nurse, are mytesticles black?'

 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

 

she overcomes her

 

embarrassment and sheepishly

 

pulls back the covers.

 

She raises his gown, holds his

 

penis in one hand and his

 

testicles in the other,

 

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure

you,

 

there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

 

smiles at her and says very slowly,

 

'Thank you very much. That was

 

wonderful, but listen

 

very, very closely.....

 

Are-my-test-results-back?

 

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A Fairy Tale.

 

 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess

 

“Will you marry me?”

 

The Princess said

 

“NO!”

 

And the Prince rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and did whatever he liked, and lived happily ever after.

 

The End.

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Only in America

 

...do

drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to

get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the

front.

 

 

 

 

 

Only

in America .......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and

a diet coke.

 

 

 

 

Only

in America .. do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to

the counters.

 

 

 

 

Only

in America .. do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the

driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

 

 

 

 

 

Only

in America

...

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of

eight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

 

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start

swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished

and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

 

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

 

 

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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

 

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'

 

So she did. ... See more

 

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

 

The worried woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

 

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse

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Irish Boy's Confession

 

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

 

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

 

'Yes, Father, it is..'

 

'And who was the girl you were with?'

 

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

 

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

 

'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'

 

'I'll never tell.'

 

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

 

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

 

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

 

'My lips are sealed.'

 

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

 

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

 

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.. Now you go and behave yourself..'

 

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

 

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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i saw a fat bird in the pub the other nite,i said to her "excuse me love, i wanna give you one" she said "how dare you,i wouldnt go anywhere near you".i said"i wouldnt go near you either.i was giving you marks outta ten ya fat bitch".

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Dedicated to PhilStarbucksSilkyScarf and oafc0000. :wink:

 

 

An atheist was walking through the woods.

 

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path.. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

 

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

 

He tripped and fell on the ground.

 

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

 

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

 

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

 

"Very well," said the voice.

 

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

 

"For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen."

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Dedicated to PhilStarbucksSilkyScarf and oafc0000. :wink:

 

 

An atheist was walking through the woods.

 

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path.. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

 

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

 

He tripped and fell on the ground.

 

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

 

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

 

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

 

"Very well," said the voice.

 

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

 

"For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen."

best one so far

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Paddy says to murphy in the pub

''you should have been in here last night''

''why?'' asks murphy

''well,there was a man selling cigarettes for £1 a thousand''

''why didn't you get me twenty?'' retorts murphy.

 

 

 

A scuffle started in the local one friday night. Words were exchanged,then insults and finally blows!

Bottles,glasses,people,flew through the air and casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass that cut off his nose.

'' Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand'' ordered mcginty ''we'll get him to the hospital''

Out into the street they flew,to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

''Will he live?'' enquired the boys

''Too late'' said the doctor ''He's a goner''

''Was it loss of blood?'' asked finbar

''No,he drowned.You put his nose on upside down'' sighed the doc.

 

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