Jump to content

The Blue Lampoon Issue #6


Recommended Posts

lampoonzq6.jpg

 

Acid Trip Better Planned Than Short Break

 

Bacup, Back-of-Beyond - Lozol Symmetrel-Desipramine's weekend acid trip was better planned than his trip to Blackpool last month, friends of the 22-year-old video shop assistant reported Monday. "Lozol spent hours making sure everything was right," a coworker Mori Vacodin said. "He requested two days off from work well in advance, rented 2001: A Space Odyssey, filled up his CD changer with Aphex Twin and Orb discs, took the phone off the hook, stocked up on vitamin-C tablets, set up all the food he was going to need for the next 12 hours... You'd think he was planning a wedding." By contrast, Mr.Symmetrel-Desipramine merely expressed vague plans to "get going sometime Saturday, maybe." before embarking on an Easter trip to Lancashire's Las Vegas.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Vital Info On Iranian Chemical Weapons Provided By U.S. Company That Made Them

 

Baltimore, USA - The Pentagon has obtained vital information on Iranian chemical weapons from Jacob.S.Ladder and Co. International, the Baltimore-based company that sold them to the Mideast nation in the '80s. "It's terrifying what Iran has," Pentagon spokesman Jimmy Spinn said Monday. "Ahmadinejad possesses massive stockpiles of everything from ethylene to thiodiglycol, according to sales records provided by Jacob.S.Ladder." The Pentagon has also been collecting key intelligence on Iranian nuclear weapons and guidance systems from Sinclair, Intellivision, and other electronic manufacturers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Defense Department Typo Results In U.S. Attack On Ira

 

Tenby, Wales - The U.S. Defense Department apologized to Tenby dentist Ira Leek Tuesday following a bombing campaign aimed at removing the 37-year-old from power. "Apparently, the intelligence source who drafted the attack plan against Iran failed to strike the 'N' key hard enough," U.S Defense Secretary Humphrey Dumpty said. "The 'N' was always a little stubborn on that keyboard. Sorry."

 

This marks the first military action taken against Leek since a malfunctioning shift key prompted Ulster Unionists to detonate his Ford Focus in 1998.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pantomimed Lasso Motion Fails To Pull Woman Across Dance Floor

Chorley, Lancashire - Wally Cardboard, 41, unsuccessfully attempted to pull an unnamed female across a nightclub dance floor Saturday with a pantomimed lasso motion. "After making eye contact with the young lady and giving her a seductive smile, I attempted to rope her in with my invisible lasso of love," Mr.Cardboard said. "But for some reason, when I threw the lasso toward her and mimicked a pulling motion, she was not drawn my way." Subsequent attempts to capture the woman with a pantomimed fishing rod, butterfly net and cartoon magnets also met with failure.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...