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The Blue Lampoon Issue #7


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George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill

 

Houston, Texas - The George Foreman Grill announced Monday that it will retire in order to promote its own patented line of fat-reducing grills. "The George Foreman Grill has enjoyed a long and rewarding career as a kitchen appliance, but now it wants to get out of the rat race," the grill's publicist, Ralph Waffler, said Monday. "From now on, the grill will be doing what it loves most: helping people live healthier lives via its infomercial for the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine's Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine." Mr.Waffle said the George Foreman Grill will also spend more time doing charity work.

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Salad Rendered Unhealthy In Three Steps

 

Newcastle, UK - A nutritious meal was rendered unhealthy in three easy steps Monday, when area resident Kimberly Ostaf, 24, added salad cream, grated cheese, and four crumbled strips of bacon to a bowl of romaine lettuce and tomatoes. "Who says not eating right has to take a lot of time?" Miss Ostaf said. "It only took minutes to prepare a salad that will provide me with my daily recommended intake of fat and sodium." Miss Ostaf has previously rendered a glass of skim milk unhealthy, simply by adding ice cubes and chocolate syrup and mixing it in a blender on low

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Al-Qaeda Chatter Deteriorates Into Gossip

WASHINGTON, DC - Terrorist chatter about a possible al-Qaeda attack against the U.S. deteriorated into gossip Monday, according to top federal intelligence officials. "We intercepted a phone call in which two al-Qaeda operatives were discussing plans to conduct reconnaissance missions at certain U.S. landmarks," CIA operative Tim Huber said. "But the conversation quickly devolved into a 20-minute discussion of what someone named Majida Sa'doon was doing at Kanebi Hadi Hameeb's home at sunrise." Huber added that the gossip is a "definite improvement" over the glut of small talk about recipes, children, and goats that dominated conversation at this time last year.

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