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The Blue Lampoon Issue #9


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Tigers - "A Problem that needs addressing"

 

Glasgow, Scotland - According to latest expert figures, there are between 5,000 and 7,000 tigers left alive in the world today. It is estimated that 100 years ago, there were 50,000 to 80,000 tigers in India alone. Blue Lampoon hit the streets to get

the public view, resident spokesperson Jim Buckshot told Blue Lampoon "Over a century ago there were 100,000 tigers worldwide - now that was a problem that needed addressing" said Mr.Buckshot "Why do we need so many? Maybe 5 for public appearances, 10 for breeding, a couple for stunts and add 10% for contingency, heck - I can't get past 50." Mr.Buckshot added.

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Extra-Slanty Italics Introduced For Extremely Important Words

 

Manchester, UK - In an attempt to address writers' ever-growing word-emphasis needs, Manchester-based Pica Foundry has developed a new, extra-slanty italic font, design director Drexyl Quirkaflleeg announced Monday.

 

"When writing important words, authors too often bypass regular italics in favor of all capital letters, which not only look awkward but also disrupt the flow of the text," said Quirkaflleeg whose new italics design is slanted at a more acute 60-degree angle instead of the normal 75. "We believe that the additional 15 degrees of slant will allow authors to create a much more intense and immediate reading experience."

 

Quirkaflleeg said that his design team is currently developing a demi-semibold typeface for writers who "kind of, but not really" want to accentuate subheadings.

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Bloody Ficus Plant Should Come With Sodding Instructions

 

Taunton, Somerset - According to area resident Eugene Slapstick, 44, the sodding ficus plant in the conservatory ought to come with some basic bloody instructions as to what to give it and when. "I'm either overwatering it or underwatering it," said Mr. Slapstick of the dying plant. "But unless I get myself either an owner's manual or a Ph.D in sodding botany, I may as well just flip a friggin' coin." Mr Slapstick further noted that whatever the hell's wrong, three leaves fall off every time he even so much as breathes on the damn thing.

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Office Berk Dying To Tell Someone His Cool Password

 

Knutsford, Cheshire - Phillip Atio is dying to tell someone his cool network password, the 31-year-old associate marketing manager revealed Tuesday. "Oh man, it is seriously the most awesome password ever," Mr. Atio said. "Unfortunately, I can't tell anyone- nnnng! Because the whole point is to keep it a secret. But believe me, if you heard this password, you would be so unbelievably jealous." Though Mr. Atio has given no clues as to what the password might be, several of his colleagues said they strongly suspect it has something to do with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The Simpsons or Lost.

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