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Worst Jokes Ever


carrabanana

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Firstly here's one for the grammar perfectionists:

What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate clauses!

 

What did baby corn say to mummy corn?

Where's popcorn?

 

What's white and goes up?

A confused snowflake.

 

What has 22 legs and 2 wings but can't fly?

Latics Reserves!

 

What sort of sentence would you get if you broke the law of gravity?

A suspended one!

 

How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle.

 

How do monkeys make toast?

Stick some bread under the gorilla!

 

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?

Billy the squid!

 

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?

An alarm cluck!

 

What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?

'Some day my prints will come!'

 

What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

 

Why do some Latics' fans wish they could have orgasms?

It would give them one extra reason to moan.

 

What is Santa's favourite pizza?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

 

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy!

 

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis!

 

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers?

In case he got a hole in one.

 

What do you call just married spiders?

Newly-webs.

 

Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?

To check his balance.

 

Why was the Egyptian boy on Coronation Street confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy.

 

What kind of paper likes music?

(W)rapping paper.

 

What's a Leeds United fan's favourite Christmas carol?

We wish ewe a merry Christmas.

Edited by Diego_Sideburns
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People really should read the topic first. Summat like 50 million jokes have already been repeated <_<

I've told you 16,000,000 times not to exaggerate.

 

This one is a classic - Dog goes into a hardware shop - 'have you got any jobs going?'

Man behind counter says 'sorry we don't hire dogs, have you tried the circus?'

Dog says 'what would the circus want with a plumber?'

 

my all time fave that but most people groan!

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What do you call a spanish football player with no legs......grassyass.

 

What do get if you cross a horse, a giraffe, a rhino, a horse and a monkey.....a zoo.

 

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the sea....bob.

 

Man walks in to a bar and says...ouch.

 

Man walks in to a bar with a meat pie stuck to his forehead. Barman says "why have you got a meat pie stuck to your forehead"?. Man says " i always wear a meat pie on my head on a thursday". barman replies "it's tuesday". Man says "oh god, i must look like a right nob know"!

 

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a crack dealer?

A prostitue can wash her crack and re-sell it!

 

:dunce:

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Whats red and lies on its back?

 

A dead Bus.

 

Whats white and cant climb trees?

 

A fridge.

 

Two flies on your ass, which one is on drugs?

 

The one on the crack!

 

Englishman, irishman and a scottish man, walk into a bar. Barman says "Is this some kind of a joke?"

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Thsi is my kind of thread. I have to put my two penneth in though.......

 

Q. Whats purple and climbs trees?

 

A. Marc Bolans mini.

 

Two blondes walk into a bar......

 

You thought one of them would have seen it.

 

 

Q. Whats the difference betwwen your wife and your computer?

 

A. You only have to punch information into your computer once for it to remember it.

 

A hamburger walks into the pub. The barman says "sorry mate, your going to have to leave". "why?" asks the burger. "Because we dont serve food" comes the reply.

 

Secretary says to boss "Sir, the invisable man is here for hsi meeting with you". "Tell him i cant see him" he replies.

 

Jobs are like pubes on the toilet seat...........Sooner or later your going to get pi**ed off.

 

A young lad who is in the para's rings his dad. "Dad i let you down yesterday. I refused to jump out of the plane. The instructor told me that if i dont jump once the plane has turned round he will make me his biatch". "Did you jump then" asks his dad. "i did when he started". he cried.

 

Chickers took his car to the garage to complain it kept juddering and coughing and spluttering. The machanic took a quick look and said "Yep, Sh*t in the carburettor". "how often do i have to do that" asked Chickers.

 

And finally...............

 

I once walked through the airport terminal sideways with a stiffy. The stewardess said "your going to Bankok".

 

I thank you, im here all week.

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How'd you get 4 elephants in a Mini?

 

2 in the front 2 in the back.

 

 

What do you call a woman balancing a jug of ale on her head?

 

Beatrix

 

 

What do you call a man with 20 rabbits up his aris?

 

Warren

 

 

Whats the quickest mode of transport under water?

 

A motor pike and side carp

 

:getmecoat:

Edited by StipeTripe
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Dyslexic bloke walks into a bra...

 

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

 

He lies awake at night thinking about the existence of dog.

 

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star?

 

Choked to death on his own Vimto.

 

 

What does the dyslexic drummer do after a joke?

 

"Ching, Badumdum"

 

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

 

Bought a warehouse.

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Old Macdonald was dyslexic.............

 

T - P - M - Q - X

How many Psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

It depends whether the lightbulb wants to change :grin:

 

How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Ten. One to change the bulb, nine to wax nostalgic about how good the old one was.

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Like it Mads, like it.

 

Nah then here's a long one, but its worth it, in terms of badness....... stick with it its worth it

 

 

 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

 

"You have no arms!"

 

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

 

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found

a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry Window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

 

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied………………….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

but

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

his

 

 

 

 

 

face rings a bell"

 

WAIT! WAIT! There's more ……

 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said,

 

"Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

 

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

 

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

 

”I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...

 

 

 

 

 

( . . Wait for it .. . .. )

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

( .. . . It's worth it . . ..)

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's a dead ringer for his brother.

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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

 

He worked it out on pencil and paper.

 

 

Blinkin eck LL we had a Maths teacher, way back when O levels were proper exams, that was his standard joke.

 

It wasn't funny then either :)

 

Edit: Actually he just used to say that he worked it out with a pencil.

Edited by StipeTripe
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It wasn't funny then either :)

 

Edit: Actually he just used to say that he worked it out with a pencil.

 

Worst jokes ever

 

The clever version is that he worked it out using logs, but them young uns, who couldn't even do their times tables without a new-fangled computer, wouldn't have a clue what I were talking about. Fields etc...

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The clever version is that he worked it out using logs, but them young uns, who couldn't even do their times tables without a new-fangled computer, wouldn't have a clue what I were talking about. Fields etc...

 

 

Arrrgggghhh Log Books, the very thought of them has sent a shiver down me spine.

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Did you hear the one about the dyslexic skier?

 

He traversed down a mountainside and boasted to his mate: "Here, did you see me zag-zigging down that mountain?"

 

And his mate says: "You mean 'zig-zagging?'"

 

The skier says: "No, zag-zigging."

 

His mate replies: "I think you'll find it's zig-zagging."

 

So the skier says: "Oh, it's pointless just arguing about it, let's ask the opinion of a neutral."

 

So they go over to a bloke sat on a sledge and the skier says: "Here mate, can you settle an argument for us? Is it zag-zigging or zig-zagging."

 

The bloke on the sledge says: "Don't ask me, I'm a tobogganist."

 

And the skier says: "Well, in that case, I'll have twenty Benson and Hedges and a box of matches, please."

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