Guest oa_exile Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 The Knob A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee." Part time job I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my 'day job'. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no,they ain't twins. The oldest one 's 9, and the other one's 7.Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid,Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping atWal-Mart. 'My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work........ I'm still job hunting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I've got your coat... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 After 50 years of marriage, a man hires a hitman to kill his wife. The hitman says "I never miss, I'll get her just under the left tit". The man replied "I want her dead not kneecapped". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest oa_exile Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I've got your coat... Aye, the door already banged me on the arse on the way out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 What did the vet say to the dog who kept licking his balls? "Thanks" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I don't usually buy FHM magazine, but I saw an advert for this month's edition that said they had shots from a topless photoshoot with Keeley Hazell. So I thought; what the hell, I'll treat myself and splash out on a copy. That's me barred from WH Smiths for the foreseeable future... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?". So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" Dyslexic man walks into a bra A seal walks into a club... A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 OK, I'll stop now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neiladamsheadband Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 scintist have discovered, that all women at some stage, eiwwillsometime, contain intelligent DNA unfortunately, 95% of em will spit it out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neiladamsheadband Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 aliitle old man totters into a chemist to buy viagra, can i have 6 tablets and i need them to be cut into quarters, the chemist says i could do that for you but a quarter will not give you a full erection the man said im 96 for god sake i dont have much use for an erection i just want it stickin out far enough so i dont piss on my slippers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest oa_exile Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 aliitle old man totters into a chemist to buy viagra, can i have 6 tablets and i need them to be cut into quarters, the chemist says i could do that for you but a quarter will not give you a full erection the man said im 96 for god sake i dont have much use for an erection i just want it stickin out far enough so i dont piss on my slippers lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forte_Baby Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I'd just moved into my new house and got talking to this fit blonde who I noticed standing in the garden next door. She told me she was busy painting and I offered to help while she went down to the shop to get more supplies. When she was gone, I took the opportunity to raid her knicker drawers (like you f**kin' wouldn't) and found loads of saucy underwear, a huge dildo, anal beads and all sorts of pleasurable gadgets. I couldn't resist a lick, sniff and a quick W**k. I finished up and got painting just in time as she walked in with a huge smile on her face and gave me a hug. I asked her what that was for... and she said, "Thank you, my grandparents are gonna be thrilled!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forte_Baby Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forte_Baby Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I went to a fortune teller last week and he told me a lot of money is coming my way. I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beardy Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 You all need serious therapy! Garcon especially! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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