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The Blue Lampoon Issue #8


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Orange Fake Tan To Be Made Capital Offence

 

London, England - Nothing like a little bit of Spring sunshine to bring out the sub-moronic orange fake tan brigade in public. The London streets have been swarming this week with early season Chicken Tikka Masala-colored arms, legs and torsos in an explosion of Brown-O-Matic and Tantastic daubings that somehow always manage to leave the palm of hands lobster-red and a curious, slightly medicinal whiff of Halliborange lingering on the crowded commuter subway trains all day long.

 

But all that may soon end as frantic debates in Parliament propose to outlaw the hideously tacky Brit practise. With a fine and/or jail term for its perpetrators, and the public hanging of anybody profiting from the wholesale misery of trading in the stuff.

 

This is just one of a raft of measures under consideration as the traditional British climate warms up early in the year and millions face the misery of being swamped by the carrot coloured freaks strutting their stuff in public, in bars, restaurants, on public transport, and shopping malls.

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Leeds United - A Lifeline?

 

Leeds, Yarkshur - Leeds United, all but relegated from football's Championship at the weekend, were this morning handed an incredible lifeline by the Football Association for their never-say-die attitude at the end of Saturday's 1-1 draw with Ipswich Town. With only three minutes of stoppage time left to play, and with the scores level, Leeds, not fancying the drop into League One, went to Plan B and ordered their fans onto the pitch in a vain attempt to avoid visits to places like Walsall and Hartlepool next season.

 

Like a well-executed set play, hundreds of thousands of die-hard, Yorkshiremen ambled across the playing surface and stood talking in groups with their Yorkshire Puddings and greyhounds.

 

The referee took the players off for a well-earned cup of Yorkshire Tea, and only when the determined fans had left for home to see Doctor Who on TV, did play resume.

 

A spokesman at the FA said "This is just the type of grit and determination that has been lacking since football violence went out of the game. They deserve another chance. We have awarded Leeds United a BONUS POINT which will, hopefully help in their fight against relegation."

The extra point, in reality, means nothing because Leeds are rubbish, and will still go down.

 

A passing Leeds supporter hailed the stand-and-fight mentality of the club and commented "C'morrrn! Have a go! If tha' thinks Leeds Unarted 'r finished, tha'd better think twarse, y' Southern nancyboys!"

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Iranian Homeowner To Wait A While Before Re-Shingling Roof

 

AHVAZ, Iran - Homeowner Aftab Shamoun, 34, announced Monday that he will likely wait "just a little while" before moving ahead with plans to re-shingle the roof of his Ahvaz home. "Now may not be the best time to put on those nice new ceramic shingles," said Shamoun, whose roof was damaged in a wind storm last November. "Heck, I've been putting it off for so long, a few more months won't hurt." Despite putting the shingling project on the back burner, Shamoun said he plans to spend next weekend insulating his front windows with energy-efficient plywood boards.

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Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

 

Chester, England - Twelve Chester Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Wednesday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Zaius, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. "It was kind of odd," said Gerry Boam, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. "People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere." The spree ended when Dr.Zaius turned his gun on himself, slowly going into deep slumber within twenty minutes.

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Leeds Chairman Bates Sacks Himself Then Steps Forward As The New Chairman

 

Leeds, Over t'Hill - The Leeds United administration saga rolls on with a new statement being released by the new Leeds chairman, Ken Bates. The Blue Lampoon can exclusively reveal that Ken Bates was forced to step down by Ken Bates in a massive board room power struggle that involved one man, and a load of bollocks.

 

'I have been giving some considerable thought to the post of Leeds United Chairman, and as of Midday on the 4th May 2007, Ken Bates stepped down as Chairman of Leeds United A.F.C.' Bates went on, as usual 'As of 12:01pm on the 4th May 2007, I - Ken Bates - will take up the vacant position of Chairman in the interim, and make moves to bring Leeds into the 21st Century.'

 

Bates' first move was to rename the club Leeds United Daffodil Strawhat Lobster Poultice F.C, in the vain hope that the administrators won't be arsed writing the clubs full name down on the winding up papers.

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