The Blue Lampoon Special Report

[Matt]

The Blue Lampoon On the Road.

Lampoon has taken to the streets of Britain this week for a special report: The Worrying Rise of Skepticism.

Should these proof-addicted skeptics be helped back into the open-minded world through rehabilitation, or should they be ridiculed and exposed for their crimes against pseudo-science...

 

Donald Loco, who spends roughly 20 percent of his annual income on telephone psychics and tarot-card readings, similarly extended his compassion for scientific evidence-led skeptics. "It's just too bad they chose to cut themselves off from the world of the paranormal, restricting themselves to the limited universe of what can be seen and heard and verified through empirical evidence."

 

Also feeling pity for skeptics is woo-woo believer Aimee Shuttlecock, a holistic and homeopathic healer who earns a living selling tonics and medicines diluted to one molecule per gallon in the belief that the water "remembers" the curative properties of the medication.

 

"Don't get me wrong - logic and reason have their place," Miss Shuttlecock said. "But Skeptics fail to recognise the danger of going too far with medical common sense to the exclusion of alternative New Age remedies like chakra cleansing and energy-field realignment."

 

"I admit, science might be great for curing diseases, exploring space, cataloguing the natural phenomena of our world, saving endangered species, extending the human lifespan, and enriching the quality of that life," Miss Shuttlecock said. "But at the end of the day, science has nothing to tell us about the human soul, and that's a critical thing all skeptics have missing. I would hate for their souls to be lost forever because of a stubborn doubt over the actual existence and nature of that soul."

 

Gina Halfwitt, a lifelong astrology devotee, blamed Skeptics' lack of faith as accidents of birth time.

 

"They can't entirely help themselves, being predominantly Gemini," Halfwitt said. "Gemini's are always very skeptical and destined to feel pain throughout life as a result of their closed-mindedness. If you try to introduce them to anything even remotely made-up, they start going off about 'evidence this' and 'proof that.' If only the poor Skeptics were open-minded enough to stop attacking everything with their logical brain and just once look into their hearts, they'd find all the proof they need. But, sadly, they're unable to let even a little bit of imagination drive their core beliefs."

 

Frank Mekon-Clanger, a practising Scientologist since 1991:

 

"It's bad enough when someone has the ignorance to reject Dianetics in spite of its tremendous popularity," Mr. Mekon-Clanger said. "But they're not even willing to try a free introductory course. Scientology has the potential to free humanity from the crippling yoke of common sense, unshackling billions from the chains of century after century of scientific precedent, and yet they still won't give it a try."

 

"I realise that Skeptics seem to be very happy with their narrow little common-sense-based worldview," Mr. Mekon-Clanger continued, "but when you think of all the widely embraced beliefs that are excluded by that way of thinking, you have to feel kind of sad."