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The Blue Lampoon Issue #11


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Local Drunk Knows All The Lyrics To This Song

 

Gateshead, UK - Keith Dimplex, 34, a regular and frequently intoxicated patron of The Wellington, impressed fellow customers Sunday by accurately singing along to every word of "Save Your Love," Great White's epic 1987 power ballad.

 

"He knew the whole thing, even after at least six Strongbows and umpteen Jack and Cokes," Landlord Mr.Mackeson said of Mr.Dimplex's flawless 5-minute, 46-second performance, during which he reportedly demonstrated admirable restraint by not staggering around the bar to get other patrons to sing with him. "He even knew the part where it goes 'so lock the door and throw away the key,' which I always thought was 'so rock me more and throw away the key.' Makes a lot more sense, actually."

 

Due to the way Mr.Dimplex moved his hands during the solo, bar patrons speculated that he might also be adept at playing the song on guitar.

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Jews, Muslims, Hindus Agree On Chicken

 

GENEVA, Switzerland - After years of sectarian violence, a coalition of Jews, Muslims, and Hindus signed an international resolution yesterday, confirming their mutual appreciation of chicken dishes. "Whether it is breaded with matzo, served as shwarma, or covered in tikka masala sauce, chicken is the one meat upon which all faiths can agree," said spokesman Pollo Morengo, addressing an assembly of rabbis, mullahs, and shamans. "Let this friendly exchange of recipes be the first tentative step toward everlasting peace." Attendees at the combination summit and potluck dinner labeled it a qualified success, regretting the altercation that broke out later between factions with differing views on skewer length.

 

A representative on behalf of chickens was unavailable for comment.

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Finger-Quotes Lady Now Doing Hand Parentheses

 

LINCOLN, UK - Finger-quotes lady Anna Bolic, 41, has added hand parentheses to her hand-punctuation repertoire, sources reported Monday. "I ran into Anna in the breakroom, and she told me Mindy Megger wasn't at work last Friday because she was sick," coworker Edward Remote said. "Then she cups her hands and adds, 'from drinking too much.' Who does that?" Added Mr Remote: "What's next, thumb commas?".

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Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip

 

UNCASVILLE, Connecticut - Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Colin Gibbons chose to forgo a soul-polluting trip to the Mohegan Sun Resort Casino, The Prince Of Darkness said Monday. "I had hoped that the allure of the bright lights and the promise of instant wealth would tempt Gibbons into the mortal sin of avarice," a despondent Lucifer said. "Alas, he told his friends that he felt like spending the day hanging out around the house and watering his plants, instead of joining them at the casino. Curses!" Satan said he hopes that Gibbons will at least watch softcore pornography on Bravo before the week is over.

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