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The OWTB Football Files


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Continuing our World of Football series:

 

World of Football Part 5

 

themandontgiveafuck.jpg

 

The OWTB Football Files

 

Case No.10 - Andy Goram

 

The scizophrenic Scottish goalkeeper was branded a "glove rat" by the tabloids for getting his girlfriend pregnant. The catch was that Goram was engaged to someone else at the time. Or was that is alter-ego, anyway his other alleged bedroom dalliances included one with a 17-year-old model, a former porn actress and most infamously Louise Montgomery, who was better known as Olga Orbs (good grief!) for her 38D assets. His off-field activities weren't merely sex-related - his ex-wife Tracey once released a photograph of him holding a flag of Northern Irish loyalist group the UVF.

 

STATUS: Case closed, twice.

 

Case No.9 - Stefan Postma

 

The goalkeeping trend continues. Postma was originally known as a top-flight goalkeeper after being signed by Aston Villa as Peter Schmeichel's replacement. He later went on to Wolves before heading back to his native Holland where he still plays. But it is his off-field antics for which he will best be remembered. In 2005, his ex-girlfriend offered to sell on eBay a sex video. He outbid a British tabloid for the video but it eventually resurfaced on the web in October 2006 and showed Postma's then girlfriend "pleasuring him" with a sex toy. We believe it's his only video role to date!

 

STATUS: Closed. Reserve not met.

 

Case No.8 - Joey Barton

 

Barton makes our list for an array of stupidity. He first hogged the headlines when he stubbed out a cigar in the eye of Manchester City youth player Jamie Tandy at the team's 2004 Christmas party - his defence was that Tandy had been trying to set fire to his shirt.

 

Barton was duly fined six weeks' wages by then manager Kevin Keegan. Not long afterwards, he was in the wars again after getting into an altercation with an Everton fan while on a pre-season trip to Thailand.

 

More serious problems have since followed for Barton, and he now faces two separate court cases. The first relates to an alleged training-ground spat with former team-mate Ousmane Dabo, and Barton has pleaded not guilty to a charge of actual bodily harm. The second concerns an incident over the Christmas period after which he was charged with assault.

 

STATUS: Open. Scouse + Chip + Shoulder = Tosspot.

 

Case No.7 - Wayne Rooney

 

The Manchester United and England striker now looks happily settled with fiancee Coleen McLoughlin, but there was a time when he apparently got his fun elsewhere, most notably in the brothels of Liverpool while still at Everton.

 

Back in December 2002, it was revealed in a Sunday newspaper that he had paid £140 for sex - and the reason he was caught? He had written prostitute Charlottle Glover a note saying "To Charlotte, I sh****d U on 28 Dec, loads of love, Wayne Rooney". Thick as :censored:e or what?

 

Further revelations followed when he was caught in a brothel with a 54-year-old prostitute, nicknamed "auld slapper" by the tabloids. Apparently some bloke saw him there and asked Rooney, "What are you doing here?" to which he is reported to have replied, "Same as you!" - "What mending the boiler?"

 

STATUS : Open. Scouse + Chip + Shoulder * Money = Tosspot2

 

Case No.6 - Glenn Hoddle

 

Then England manager Hoddle had been preparing for Euro 2000 when he gave what he thought was a seemingly innocuous interview to Times reporter Matt Dickinson to defend his actions, which had included using faith healer Eileen Drewery (it gets better) - However, during the interview Hoddle suggested that the disabled were being punished for their sins in a former life (is that the sound of every door of opportunity closing?) He said: "You and I have been physically given two hands and two legs and half-decent brains. Some people have not been born like that for a reason. The karma is working from another lifetime. I have nothing to hide about that.

 

"It is not only people with disabilities. What you sow, you have to reap. You have to look at things that happened in your life and ask why. It comes around." Understandably, there was a massive fall-out from the interview and Hoddle was duly axed from his post.

 

STATUS : :blink:

 

Case No.5 - Stan Collymore

 

Collymore makes our list twice over, firstly for kicking and punching then girlfriend Ulrika Jonsson who, he claimed, was "driving him round the bend". He later apologised, saying, "My actions are totally reprehensible, something I am not proud of and finding very difficult to come to terms with."

 

The second incident was his admission that he had been "dogging", Collymore admitted in 2004: "I've been to dogging sites maybe a dozen to 15 times and, yes, I have taken part and had sex. My only hope is that the people I know and love can find it in their hearts to forgive me".

 

STATUS : Closed. Train wreck of a career, what a dunce...

 

Case No.4 - Robin Friday

 

Friday achieved cult status at both Reading and Cardiff as much for his efforts on the pitch as his actions off them. And his efforts even saw him make the cover of the Super Furry Animals' single The Man Don't Give a F*** with Friday flicking a V-sign after scoring in a league match against Luton. But he gets in our 10 cases for an incident with BBC pundit Mark Lawrenson in which Friday was sent off for kicking him in the face. The midfielder duly went into the opposition dressing room and allegedly defecated in Lawrenson's kit bag.

 

STATUS: Closed. No Mark, that's not a Mars bar.

 

Case No.3 - Kevin Beattie

 

Beattie makes the grade for pure stupidity which effectively stopped him from picking up a First Division championship medal with Ipswich in 1977. In short, it was a freak gardening accident. Beattie explained: "I was burning some leaves inside a tin drum and, when the flames appeared to go out, I decided to stoke the fire up with petrol. What can I say? The flames blew up on me and my face and hair caught on fire."

 

Sir Bobby Robson later claimed the incident had cost Ipswich the title, with Beattie having been his famous "diamond in defence".

 

STATUS: Closed. Meow-owowowoo-eeerrow. Charlie says if Kevins brains were made of dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his cap off.

 

Case No.2 - Edmundo

His nickname, 'The Animal', says it all really, and the list of things that see him qualify for this list are arguably the most bizarre of anyone's. As a player, he was renowed for his temper and, once after being yellow-carded in a Brazilian club match, charged over to the opposition bench, slapped one player, knocked out another and kicked a third in the groin. Bloody hell, I wonder what happened after the second yellow?

 

Off the field, he's had his moments too. He angered animal rights groups by hiring an entire circus for his son's birthday and getting a chimpanzee drunk. He later got into trouble while going AWOL at Fiorentina to play drums at the Rio de Janeiro carnival.

 

STATUS: Closed. The Chimp woke up next day in the Navy.

 

Case No.1 - Peter Storey

 

OWTB World of Football favourite Peter Storey, was part of the Arsenal side that won the double in 1979 and went on to play for England 19 times. However, not long after his career came to a close his string of run-ins with the law started. First off, he was fined £700 and given a six-month suspended jail sentence for running a brothel, the Calypso Massage Parlour. Worse was to follow for him, however, and he was imprisoned on three occasions: first for financing a plot to counterfeit gold coins, then for stealing cars and finally for importing pornographic videos from Europe hidden in the spare tyre of his car.

 

Now a reformed man, he lives in France with his third wife.

 

STATUS: Closed. Now I know where Guy Richie gets his material from.

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