The tales and woes of a scoreboard

[Guest sheridans_world]

Taken from TMS, in time order.

 

 

1320: A word or two about today's track. Looks like a hard, fast surface - ball should come on nicely, although the moisture in the air might just liven it up early doors.

 

A few emails pointing out that our scorecard is claiming the match has been abandoned. Take no notice of it - it's only being attention-seeking. The match is on - repeat, the match is on.

 

1322: In a surprise return to old-school methods, the errant scoreboard is currently being thrashed around the rump with a wetted cane. It was warned several times about its behaviour, I'm told, but insisted on persisting.

 

1327: Hmmm. Maybe the scoreboard knew something after all - the start has been delayed by rain. Feel a little guilty now, to be honest.

 

1333: This isn't good. Not only is it now raining quite hard, but I've just had a call from a firm of solicitors called InjuryClaims4U, claiming to be representing the scorecard.

 

1338: How much? £50,000 for the thrashing and a further £20,000 for "emotional distress"?

 

1342: Oh, I see - plus another £50,000 in "costs". Well, this is bad. Very bad. I've just emptied my pockets, and I've got a total of £1.23 in there, plus two nailfuls of pale blue fluff and a receipt from a pub (never a good sign). We're £119,998.77 short of what we need. We're going to need a whip-round here. And a crack defence team. Any volunteers? Still raining.

 

From Steve Beaumont, TMS inbox: "Regarding the scorecard's 'emotional distress', it should be used to that, dealing with English cricket."

Plank one of our nascent defence, Steve. Wallop.

 

From Rachel Tyrell, TMS inbox: "Do not fret, just simply throw a counter lawsuit against the scoreboard for a cool £3 million - for the stress of the resulting 'public scorn and mockery' aimed directly at YOU and not the scoreboard. You then subpoena every other scoreboard in the world to appear in your defence. After all, wouldn't they all like to have the easy life of a BBC scoreboard?"

 

From Roger in Denmark, TMS inbox: "Why all this inclusive 'we' re the scoreboard? Is it the royal plural, Duke of Fordyce, or do you really expect the rest of us to cough up for your irresponsible libel?"

Et tu Brute, Roger, et tu Brute.

 

From Neil at work in the Isle of Man, TMS inbox: "I think the scoreboard needs to be very careful with an 'emotional distress' case... How does it think we feel every time we sneak a peak from work when England are batting?"

 

From Edward Little, Mondovi, Italy, TMS inbox: "For those interested in references to distressed scoreboards, may I recommend Thorda Hird's one and only novel "The Plaster Mok." In the story, the eponymous Mok is so frustrated by the perpetual malfunction of the timing board that he is operating (at a swimming gala) that he pushes it into the pool, electrocuting the participants."

 

From Angela, at work in London, TMS inbox: "The scoreboard should count itself lucky it merely received a flogging and still has a job, given the credit crunch and all that - there must be hundreds of wannabe scoreboards out there who would gladly step in to its shoes (and probably be happy to take a daily flogging if it meant keeping a steady job in these uncertain times…)."

 

From Billy "Sledgehammer" Bloggs, TMS inbox: "If you like, I can send one of my colleagues down to have a little chat with the scoreboard. I shouldn't think it would want an 'accident' on the way to court. Know what I mean?"

 

From Dave in Yeovil, TMS inbox: "There are precedents in this case. I recall one in particular, where a tennis scoreboard negotiated an 'out of court' settlement."

 

From Joe Young in Sheffield, TMS inbox: "Sod unemployed scoreboards. Having just been made redundant myself, I would willing diversify into becoming a scoreboard. I could yell the score, or write it on my ample stomach using a variety of coloured pens. I certainly wouldn't mind the odd flogging."

 

From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "I reject utterly Angela's suggestion that decent, hardworking scoreboards should be made to suffer like this in times of recession. They are just an easy target for media-led, misdirected anger. It is the scoreboard operators who have got us into this mess, with their insanely complex opaque last partnership derivatives and their 'overs left in the day' bonuses."

 

From Mick in Birmingham, TMS inbox: "Just a word of warning to you all - I'd be careful about bad-mouthing the scoreboard so much. It has influential friends, you know - The Videprinter, for example. Don't mess."

 

1453: Oh dear. Just had Max Clifford on the phone. The scoreboard's done a deal with the News of the World and LivingTV. There's an autobiography in the works as well, apparently.

 

From Dan Collington, TMS inbox: "Paul in Lancs has it wrong to blame the operators. It's the regulator the Frustrating Scoreboards Association to blame for giving them the freedom to exploit the Duckworth-Lewis system."

 

 

From Tim Lunnon, TMS inbox: "With regards the ongoing Scorecard-Gate (somebody had to gate it), has anyone heard from the video-scorecard with regards its views. Not only is it a multifunctional scorecard, it works without grumbling and creating a big hoohah about itself. One could compare the situation with David Beckham and Paul Scholes relationship."

 

 

[Guest sheridans_world]

From Tim Miller, TMS inbox: "Unofficial scorecard autobiography title rumours: 'HTML Hell: The Beeb and Me'."

[Matt]

I don't like cricket, but I used to listen to Test Match Special just for the wheezy laughter and cake filled scoffing of Johnners, Ollie, Blowers, The Alderman, and The Bearded Wonder. Was it CMJ who cracked up at the letter from Mr.Titt?

 

Happy days indeed.

 

[Frankly Mr Shankly]

I don't like cricket...

 

I love it.