maddog

Ta, everyone! Y'know, I've had more people say HB on here (this thread and PM) than I got birthday cards from friends and family (I have 4 siblings and have had no cards off them) :sad: . Ah well. I'm off work til Wednesday to give myself a chance to recharge my batteries after the last few weekends (and in time for the Beardy Bus on Saturday ). If anyone fancies a pint or 2 in Rochdale this hevening, let me know

On a similar theme....... The Five Stages Of Drunkenness And Sobering Up Drinking Stage 1 - Clever: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This takes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER. Stage 2 - Attractive: This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - Rich: This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present. Stage 4 - Invincible: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway. Stage 5 - Invisible: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words. Sobering Up Stage 1 - Stupid: As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours. Stage 2 - Ugly: Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier.Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking. Stage 3 - Poor: Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends. Stage 4 - Fragile: As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you. Stage 5 - Conspicuous: This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

The cheeky-looking chap with the scarf at the front could well be my big bruv

There'd be more chance of me spotting myself if you posted any pictures taken after I was born, Stipe. ;)

Subject: 20 reasons when a girl should call it a night..... (none have EVER applied to me, of course ;) ) 1. You have absolutely no idea where your bag is. 2. You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling "She Bangs She Bangs" is truly the hottest dance move around!!! 3. You've suddenly decided that you want to fight someone and you honestly believe that you could do it too. 4. In your last trip to the toilet you realise you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago. 5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating it. 6. You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much. 7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you. 9. The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher. 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotic . 12. You seem to think that it's a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley. 13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka. 14. You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor. 15. You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..." 16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it. 17. Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be standing) 19. You begin leaving the buttons open on your button flypants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink. 20. You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Well, there's been some slacking going on on this 'ere thread. Anyone would think you all had better things to do or something. ;) Had some rubbish goings on at work today. Just found out that, not only is the position of my boss empty indefinitely, so I'm sort of working 'blind' and clueless (and literally on my own), but the boss above that (who is the only source of professional guidance I have) has been made redundant, effective of the end of March. Lovely lady too. Gutted for her, and worried about the knock-on effect to my work. Off to Newcastle for another long weekend away on Friday, catch up with some friends, drink too much beer. That's BEER, LL. ;) ;) ;) So that should be a laugh. Still managing to do 3 'sessions' a week at the gym. BLT tomorrow (Bums, Legs and Tums unfortunately, not the tasty sarnie).

Ah, I don't really know him on a voice-recognition-level ;)

Don't think so, he's in Darlington - not Sunderland! Who was that bloke at the end?

I think I can safely say, with Derek in charge, even less would get done. If I was exasperated at the organisation of the beery event, you aint seen nothing compared to the exasperation at waiting for Derek to get stuff done! ;) My thoughts on Mr Owen

Is that an impression of Beardy's arse, or are you calling me a bitch? ;)

He may have been God briefly, but you admitted as much yourself. What good is a striker who can't run.....at all? ;) And Barry Owen needs to sodright off.

Nice one Shez Re: Diego!

Call me naive, but I think yes!

Sorry, did I mention, Wilson. I let everyone know you had man flu. ie, a cold. It was only right. ;)

Aye, but worrying if the response he came out with has been primed by other members of the panel. I suspect it has. But how much of it is scare tactics, I don't know.

Barry, Barry, Barry

Wow, he has an island and awsome root beer

What you trying to say, like? How very dare you . Now Dial-a-Pie.....that would be a different matter

a/ It's Ally b/ It wasn't a crush. It was the real thing :P

It's more of a Nursing Assistant uniform. Although I doubt it would have the same effect as the fully-fledged version :sad3: . I still have my old school uniform. Although fitting in it would be a task in itself .

Get in! Wear it Saturday! ;)

I know he aint a patch on what he used to be, but he's still got that sparkle in his eyes. Of course, that could be the coke.

Errrrrr.....grass green :huh2: And who says I don't have my own uniform? ;)

Fight you for it, 68?