joe_lead Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Warning: This thread contains implied swear words: Little boy playing with his train , mum overhears him say "all you bastirds gettin off, feck off all you bastirds gettin on feckin hurry up " mum sends him to his room for 2 hours until he learns to be nice to passengers . When he starts to play again 2 hours later mum hears him say "Those disembarking please mind the step and have a nice day Those boarding please find a seat and enjoy your journey + those upset at the 2 hour delay can blame the fat coont in the kitchen " ====================================================== Any excuse to trot this one out again... A farmer buys twenty sheep and hopes to have lots of lambs in the spring, Unfortunately the sheep can't seem to get pregnant, so he phones the vet and explains the situation, The vet informs him that perhaps they should try artificial insemination. The farmer, thinking this means something entirely different, reluctantly agrees and asks how he will know if the sheep are pregnant. "Oh they lie in the grass and roll about," says the vet. As soon as the farmer gets off the phone he rounds up the sheep in his van, takes them into the woods and rogers them senseless. Every day he checks to see if the sheep are lying and rolling in the grass but they are not - they simply gambol about. After a month of incessant pumping, the poor man can barely lift himself from his bed, so as sson as the alarm goes off that morning, he asks his wife to check and see if they are lying in the grass rolling around. "No", she says looking through the curtains, "but they are all in the van and one of them is beeping the horn." =============================================== A guy goes to the doctor and says, “I got this sex problem, doc”. “Well”, says the quack, “Tell me about your average day”. “Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for a nookie and then again about 5 o’clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work.” “Oh I see”, said the doc. “No, hang on”, said the man,”…you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there.” “Oh….now I see”, said the quack. “No you don’t”, said our hero. “When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom”. “Oh….now I see”, said the quack. “No no no”, he said. “When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I’m very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie”. “Now I understand”, said the patient doctor. “No, hang on”, said the bloke. “When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she’ll give me the sack.” “Ahh….”, said the doctor, “now I see..” “No, there’s more”, said our man, “when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex after dinner.” “What’s your problem?”, asked the doc. “Well…”, said our hero, “it hurts when I w@nk.” ================================================== Never claimed it was a good joke thread !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 There are two goldfish in a tank. One goldfish addresses the other: "D'you know how to drive this?" Yes, yes - I know, this is the only joke I roll out - time and time again... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 (edited) A new survey has found that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. Jade Goody has signed one final, exclusive tv deal. She'll be appearing on Most Haunted in early 2010. Scientists have found that many women develop "Dyson's Disease" after a year of marriage. They make a continuous feckin whining noise but don't suck anything. The Domestic Credit Crunch Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's. The husband picks up a crate of Stella and sticke it in the trolley. "What do you think you're doing?" demands the wife. "They're on offer, £10 for 24 cans!" "Put them back," she says, "we can't afford it!" A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream. "What do you think you're doing?!" asks the husband. "It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful!" she says. "You stupid b*tch! That's what the Stella was for!" Edited March 11, 2009 by garcon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Jade Goody has signed one final, exclusive tv deal. She'll be appearing on Most Haunted in early 2010. i find that joke sick ,the poor girl dying on cancer , like my dad,and uncles who all died of cancer , we must not make fun of it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 (edited) Apologies Bob. My approach is often to make humour out of 'taboo' things, but that is never to belittle them. I feel for Jade as much as anyone - horrible situation for her and her family. If anyone wants me to remove it just say so and I will. Edited March 11, 2009 by garcon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arnoid Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 A new survey has found that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. i like that one!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe_lead Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 How to tell if you're married too long..... Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. The married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, Whats for dinner Batman? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe_lead Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar falls deadly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know 5 things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde biker girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously. Do you still want to tell that joke? The blind man shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe_lead Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh~~ on your knee." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe_lead Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 I remember when I was a child, the first day of snow and how excited I got - I ran to the back door and screamed to my parents........... "Come on you know the deal - let me in!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martjs Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: ' What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?' Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 joke nicked from facebook from anthony mann why do Pigeons fly upside down over Old Trafford"? ....Cause there is nothing worth :censored:ting on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beag_teeets Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 (edited) i find that joke sick ,the poor girl dying on cancer , like my dad,and uncles who all died of cancer , we must not make fun of it She isn't a "poor girl" - in any sense of the word or sentiment. I've lost 3 grandparents, a friend, 2 uncles, an aunt and currently have a colleague who has been off work for nearly 2 years with leukaemia and I have been telling this joke for weeks. The joke isn't about cancer or even really about Jade it is about the media-whorism of Jade and the society that has created and sustained it. And I'd better add a joke: Two lions walking down Market St in Manchester, one turns to the other and says "Quiet here today 'eh?" Edited March 26, 2009 by beag_teeets Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny punkster Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 got a rolex today, a birthday gift from the 2 lesbians at work. i think they got the wrong idea when I said I wanna watch........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 Michelle Obama Tells Schoolgirls 'I Do drugs' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stebuzz Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Michelle Obama Tells Schoolgirls 'I Do drugs' have just done my family history and discovered my great great grandad died in 1815 at the battle of waterloo. he wasnt a member of any of the armies involved. he was camping in the next field and went over to ask them to KEEP THE NOISE DOWN. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
monkeykieran Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 Sorry to any of you that take offense at this joke, it's the least offensive I know. Alzheimers Protest March: What do we Want? WE DONT KNOW! When do we want it? WANT WHAT? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lookers_Carl Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 Scientists have developed a wonder drug that provides a cure for depressed lesbians available in two variants. For more information go to your local pharmacy and ask for information on 'tridixagen' and/or 'trycoxagen' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 .Q What is the difference between a frenchwoman and a basketball team? . A. The basketball team showers after 4 periods. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny punkster Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 news just in... physicist, stephen hawking is expected to make a full recovery after being taken ill. isn't WD40 a truly versatile thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 news just in... physicist, stephen hawking is expected to make a full recovery after being taken ill. isn't WD40 a truly versatile thing! i think they used too much wd40 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stebuzz Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Michelle Obama Tells Schoolgirls 'I Do drugs' who said these famous words. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH DEFEAT. clue, no it wasnt winston churchill or montgomery. answer nelson mandelas chiropodist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 who said these famous words. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH DEFEAT. clue, no it wasnt winston churchill or montgomery. answer nelson mandelas chiropodist. made me laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stebuzz Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 news just in... physicist, stephen hawking is expected to make a full recovery after being taken ill. isn't WD40 a truly versatile thing! 2 convicts talking in strangeways, IN 1904. how long are you in for pal, just 3 days how did you manage that? they hang me on monday. said prisoner is being marched across the courtyard towards the building where the deed is done. its pelting down with rain. NOT A VERY NICE DAY FOR A HANGING he says, YOU SHOULD MOAN says the officer IVE GOT TO COME BACK IN THIS. hangman says ANY LAST REQUEST ? yes says the prisoner KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 2mexicans in the desert ......wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet." "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... Ees..... Ees, a Ham Bush" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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