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The Blue Lampoon Issue #4


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Disney World Mascot Could Use A F*****g Vacation Himself

 

Orlando, Florida — Walt Disney World employee Joe Ringpiece, costumed for the 10th straight hour and the 23rd straight day as Goofy, could use a f*****g vacation himself, the 33-year-old reported Monday. "Every day, I sweat my ass off in this goddamn oxygen-deprivation Goofy suit while kids kick me, trip me, punch me and give me the finger," said Mr.Ringpiece, who twice has requested a transfer to a Frontierland souvenir shop but has been denied. "I'm sick of it." Mr.Ringpiece's next paid vacation is slated for late November, when he said he plans to go on a two-week bender somewhere the hell away from here.

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If Area Dad Steps On Lego One More Time

 

Bury, Lancashire - According to loud reports from within the Banjo household Tuesday, if area father Russell Banjo steps on one more piece of goddamn Lego, man, forget about it. "Gaaaaaaaaaa!" shouted Mr.Banjo, grimacing as he extracted a blue, two-peg Lego brick from his right instep. "I've told you a hundred times. This is it, this is the last warning: I step on one more Lego brick, and no one will ever step on another piece of Lego in this house ever again, I promise." Observers are questioning Mr.Banjo's willingness to actually follow through on the threat, citing his failure to deliver on his Sticklebrick ultimatum of last March.

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North Korea Nukes Itself In Desperate Plea For Attention

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Frustrated that its megalomaniacal outbursts no longer inspire fear and panic in the international community, the nation of North Korea detonated all six of its nuclear warheads early Thursday morning, killing 32 million in what international observers are calling "a pathetic bid for attention."

 

"This is very typical and melodramatic," South Korean President Roo Moo-hyun said yesterday. "North Korea has been 'acting out' for years—decorating its country with provocative posters, never leaving its borders, and getting aggressive with those closest to it. It has been this way ever since it was grounded from the national stage." UN officials are advising nations who feel self-destructive to speak to allies or counselors.

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Shropshire Declares Independence

 

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Shrewsbury, Salop - In a dramatic revolution yesterday the English county of Shropshire declared independence from the rest of the United Kingdom. Shropshire, sandwiched between the Midlands and Wales, is known as a traditional county with no public aspirations of independence however the revolutionary group known as the 'Middle England Alliance' (MEA) have swept the board in the secretive referendum held in Shrewsbury town hall, with a 89% 'yes to independence' vote.

 

The vote took place with over 200 local clergymen, business owners and pre-school children taking part. Landlocked Shropshire has little natural resources and no access to the sea but local vicar Rev. Jimmy Dodger, 89, said "the River Severn is an excellent resource waiting to be tapped, our people can survive on bottled water and eggs, our people will be the healthiest in Europe".

 

Shropshire is awaiting acceptance of sovereignty in the United Nations Security Council, which is thought to be given in the next 6-8 years. The main concern in the surrounding areas is the predicted pillaging of Dudley expected in the next 20 years as supplies run out. There will be a meeting at Shrewsbury Town Hall at 8.30 (local time) to discuss the new flag, national dress, conscription to the military and invading Wales.

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Sole Survivor Of Air Crash Has Asia's 'Sole Survivor' Stuck In Head

Surrendere,France - Renald Coq au Vin, sole survivor of the Jan. 31 ElastiBand Airlines crash that claimed 88 lives, has had the 1982 Asia song "Sole Survivor" stuck in his head ever since. "Zut alors! I can't get ze stupid thing out of my 'ead," Mr. Coq au Vin said. "After ze plane went down, I was floating out zere in ze Pacific, thinking about how I was ze sole surviveur, and for some reason, zat song popped into my head. Now I can't get it out, and it's driving me - as you say - friggin' nuts." Mr.Coq au Vin said that if he does not shake the song soon, he is going to "start wishing I hadn't been ze sole survivor".

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Voice Recognition Software Yelled At

 

Marylebone, London - Fidelity Financial Services' Gwen Twolumps, 33, shouted angrily at her IBM ViaVoice Pro USB voice-recognition software, sources close to the human-resources administrator reported Monday. "No, not Gary Friedman! Barry Friedman, you stupid computer. BARRY!" Ms.Twolumps was heard to scream from her cubicle. "Jesus Christ, I could've typed it in a hundredth of the time." After another minute of yelling, Ms.Twolumps was further incensed upon looking at her screen, which read, "Barely Freedman you God ram plucking pizza ship."

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