steveoafc Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Donald duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms receptionist says '' shall i put them on your bill? '' ''Don't be thuckin thupid i'd thuffocate! '' Honestly! Some people take offence at anything! I met a bloke with no legs at a bus stop today and all i said was '' How you gettin on? '' a man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide, the librarian says '' sod off, you won't bring it back! '' Had do-gooders at the door asking me to send clothes to the starving africans, They're taking the piss! If an african can fit in my clothes he aint f***in starving!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creepy Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 sickopedia has been a busy site lately hasnt it! i finally got head off the wife last night . . . . . i knew one swing of my axe would do it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slurms mckenzie Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 In the wild wild west, a man ran into the Saloon and shouted “everyone leave town, big Charlie is coming!” Everyone ran away from the Saloon apart from the new Saloon owner; he asked one of the cowboys why everyone was running away, and he was told “can’t talk - must leave town – big Charlie is coming!” The new Saloon owner decided to stay and see who this big Charlie was. Next thing, he felt a rumbling through the floor and he went outside to see a large, muscular man riding a bull. He dismounted the bull and shouted to the bull – “You stay there while I get a drink, or I’ll kill ya”. The bull cowered and sat down. The large man walked into the saloon and said, “Give me a whisky”. The saloon owner said, here you go, and the man drank the whisky in one. The man then said, “Give me a bigger whisky”, so he was given a bottle of whisky, which he drank in one. The man then said “Give me a real mans whisky”, so the Saloon owner gave him a barrel of whisky, which he drank in one. The Saloon owner said, “Wow, that was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen”. “That was so impressive – can you do that again?”. And the man said, “No thanks, I’d better get a move on, Big Charlie is coming”. Copyright, Slurms McKenzie Jokes and Japes 2009. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckfordsRightFoot Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pig." "Well, how longs this been going on for?" "About a wheeeeeeeeek" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 sickopedia has been a busy site lately hasnt it! Rumbled! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beardy Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Whats white and cant climb trees? A fridge! How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb? 3 O'Clock The blonde one from steps is dead! who is the coolest person to work in a hostpital?? The Ultra Sound guy! and what do they do when he's ill?? Bring in the Hip Replacement guy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beardy Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Let's go outside and ride bikes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pukka Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 (edited) Dave's wife has been complaining that she hasn't had an orgasm in the 10 years they have been married. So they go to a marriage guidance councillor. The councillor says. "How warm is the bedroom when you make love?" "Boiling" says Dave. "There's your problem - keep it cool". So the next time they have sex Dave invites his mate pete to flap a beach towel over them. It doesn't work. Pete says "I'll try" Pete makes love to Dave's wife for 2 hours and gives her the best night shes had. Orgasm - no problem. And dave says . "THAT mate is how to flap a f>kcing towel!" Edited September 15, 2009 by pukka Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
longtimeblue Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Two monkeys in a bath First monkey says "ooh ooh, ahh ahh ahh" Second monkey says "put some cold water in if it's too hot" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 (edited) Just thinking of Keith Floyd's funeral, it'll be more like a recipe than an order of service. Soak in a red wine and spirit marinade for 63 years Place in a suitable lined container Garnish with flowers Roast for 2 hours at gas mark 10 Edited September 15, 2009 by garcon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creepy Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 (edited) red flowers say love and warmth, yellow flowers say imtimacy and passion, self raising flower says 'bake me a f*cking cake now b*tch' my wife told me 'smart men make great husbands'. I said smart men dont get f*cking married yesterday, my sister walked in on me whilst i was undressing, it was an awkward moment for both of us, i didnt know she worked in a brothel my girlfriend went down on me tonight, i must remember to get a puncture repair kit in the morning My wife says she will kick me out if she finds out i have any 'skeletons in my closet' - but the jokes on her cos the kids in my closet are still alive 'will the parents of the 9 year old boy, who earlier fell into the lions enclosure, please pick his shoes up from lost property, thanks' statistics say women think they are smarter than men for faking orgasms for the relationship. men say 'big f*cking deal, try faking the relationship just for the sh*g' i live for sex . . . . . . unlike my victims, who have sex to live lets all have a laugh edit; obviously if mods think they have 'crossed the line', please delete Edited September 15, 2009 by creepy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Blatantly stolen (as all the best comedy is) from someone else on another forum, but it's the first time I've seen the full script in print so to speak... This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes. The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the shining whites. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read....... This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Donald duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms receptionist says '' shall i put them on your bill? '' ''Don't be thuckin thupid i'd thuffocate! '' :laught16: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laticsrblue Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one. Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman". The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first. The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word. The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity"? She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hometownclub Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Blatantly stolen (as all the best comedy is) from someone else on another forum, but it's the first time I've seen the full script in print so to speak... This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes. The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the shining whites. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read....... This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny! I remember Ronnie Barker doing that sketch,brilliant but how the hell did they get away with that? Especially back in the 70's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lags Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 (edited) Funny Video EDIT: Sorry I don't know how to put a video link on Edited September 17, 2009 by Lags Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laticsrblue Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 A woman goes to see the doctor. "Doctor, doctor, I'm very worried about my son," she said. "All he does is play football all day; then he comes in covered in mud and walks all over my clean carpet." "I rather think you may be over-reacting," said the doctor reassuringly. "Sons often behave like that." "I know, doctor," said the woman, "but it's not just me that's worried about him. His wife is too." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveoafc Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 In the everton - aek athens game tonight athens had a player called nicolas arce........sure there's a joke in there somewhere! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldhamSheridan Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 (edited) Patrick Swayze's family are supposedly devastated. They had Floyd booked to do the buffet. Edited September 18, 2009 by OldhamSheridan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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