Welcome to the psyciatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are, where you are and what you want.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are a manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will understand your pain.
If you suffer from anxiety, just start furiously pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, for god's sake don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
"Doctor. I'm very worried about my son - he's immobile, depressed, lacks aspirations and doesn't have any goals."
"Does he play for Hull?"