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Last one to post wins


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Think we may have to wait 'til Monday Stipey,or Tuesday if it was a really good wedding!

 

Anyone remember this.....

 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdoruhxRsE

I feel a little fatigued today. The boozing started in earnest at the Oval on Wednesday. In keeping with the cricket theme, I had three sessions in the day, first in the ground, where I made a mockery of the rules against bring your own booze in, then after I met with friends until closing, then went home to find my housemate getting hammered way into the night for her birthday. This all set me up well for a long journey up North, which passed well enough with a bottle of wine for company. Straight to the pub for some delicious Lees, then more wine back at the ranch. Due to this careful preparation I felt as sharp as brass tacks on Saturday morning as I made my way to the terrifying badlands that are Cheshire. I was very early, but modestly restricted myself to three pints before the ceremony.

 

The ceremony itself was only about 10 minutes long, which was nice. It was the middle of the three weddings Gay Gareth is having this year – I explained to some gentlemen we had a drink with in the Dublin stag do that he was due to gain a different type of marital access after each one – I’m not sure what order they went in though. She looked lovely in full Indian bridal gear, Gareth looked gay in his morning suit. I was a bit puzzled when the woman doing the service said she was going to read the Appache wedding poem – I was tempted to stop it all and say, “but she’s not that sort of Indian you fool,” but decided against it. There was about 4 hours to kill before the meal, mostly because rather than the usual thing of walking past, shaking hands with the groom and kissing the bride, the parents wanted to interrogate everyone in detail about every aspect of their lives. I was a little taken aback that Gareth’s mother, on hearing who I was, gave me a lengthy telling off for an incident in 1999 when I lost my mates on a night on and they didn’t know where I had got to. None of them cared, figuring that I was wandering round drunk and would go home, except Gay Gareth thought I might have been kidnapped and sold by white slave traders or some such. His mind isn’t wired up quite the same as most peoples are.

 

To my delight, on finally getting to the table I found that the world’s most annoying man was there. This bloke was on the stag do as well. One fthe first night he was thrown face first out of a club and down a flight of stairs by the bouncers, not for fighting or throwing up, but simply because he was pissing people off by being himself. The second night he was being a serious nuisance to a set of girls we were cracking on to (they admitted to everyone else that they weren’t really a hen party but were pretending to be to get attention, but they insisted that we didn’t tell, “Ginger,” as they not unreasonably called him), and eventually I felt the need to discipline him by twisting his thumb back until he was on his knees screaming. This prompted him to spend the rest of the night running around asking everybody why they hated him. Eventually I realised that despite this, he had actually put me with him because I loathe the bloke less than many of my other mates, one in particular would gleefully feed his corpse to pigs having seen him leering down his wife’s cleavage all night at a day a few years back. Other than that it was a good do. Gareth had done the decent thing and put a couple of single lasses on my table. One of them I had met a few times previously but never noticed that a ) she is quite tidy and b ) has absolutley enormous norks. I’m not one to make a big deal about my successes, but I don’t mind telling you that she can be safely added to the list of girls who I’ve failed to pull.

 

Most of the speeches were about flattering the parents. The brides family were seeing their only daughter get married, and Gay Gareth’s mother (to whom he is very attached) was seeing her only child take a wife, so obviously emotions were high. Then the Best Man employed zero tact, subtlety or skill and simply mentioned that most of us think Gareth is homosexual, mentioned him having nearly been killed by a pimp in Prague in a dispute over money, mentioned his proclivity for wearing very tight shorts with no underwear, and various other delights. Speaking as someone who, as best man last year, managed to mention that the groom once inadvertantly received oral pleasure from a labrador, and that he not only has a proud record of taking one of the wrist in every job he has ever had but is in the habit of consuming the evidence, all without giving the game away, I thought he might have made more effort to be discrete.

 

The evening do was a blurry mess. The only low point was that some blokes from a fancy dress party in another room came into ours. They were dressed as maids, a grim reaper, spiderman etc, but one of them came dressed as an arsehole, seemingly having gotten the shirt for his outfit from the Eastlands area. He was hugging all the blokes and kissed one of my mates on the cheek, I made it expressly clear to him that I didn’t fancy the same. I finally made it to bed at about 3, having had to wait for an hour for a taxi to my hotel in the sprawling metropolis that is Sale.

 

Sunday consisted of 3 hours drinking in Picadilly station, where there seemed to be large numbers of Salford Buccs casuals on the lookout for bother, drinking on the way back, and our usual custom of meeting up again back in London for drinking until the pub shut. Eventually I made it back to sunny Croydon, where I fell asleep on the bus, with my phone having just ran out of power and thus unable to call a cab. I had to walk about 5 miles back, carrying my bag and suit with me, in my uncomfortable posh shoes. I probably would have suffered from heat, had not there been a constant flow of drizzle available to cool me face. I got off the settee at 7 this morning, leaving me a full hour in bed before getting up for work. I say work in the loosest sense, because I think it’s best all round if I don’t actually do any, for I can barely keep my eyes open and have a lurking sense of nausea constantly with me.

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Thats the trouble with this thread on this board, its just too easy to add posts.

 

Mind I can see it easily passing the 6163 eleswhere, and it'll be like that crap one we set off to beat on the Bournemouth MB, crap as in

 

I win

 

No I win

 

No I win

 

I'm winning

 

And so on and so on ad nauseum, cos doing that sort of thing on t'interweb to make a long thread is the truly original way to do it.

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Thats the trouble with this thread on this board, its just too easy to add posts.

 

Mind I can see it easily passing the 6163 eleswhere, and it'll be like that crap one we set off to beat on the Bournemouth MB, crap as in

 

I win

 

No I win

 

No I win

 

I'm winning

 

And so on and so on ad nauseum, cos doing that sort of thing on t'interweb to make a long thread is the truly original way to do it.

I wonder if Big Bad Bazza has his eye on 6666?

 

*Makes mental note to add that one to my Satanic 666 on here*

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Normally, in this type of exchange, I'd expect those in on the in-joke to know what they're on about. I'll make an exception in this case.

 

I win.

 

 

No well its not really an in joke so no exceptions needed, cosI don't know what G(illian) is on about either, but then nobody ever does as I'm sure LL will confirm. She is 73 tho'.

 

I winning

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No well its not really an in joke so no exceptions needed, cosI don't know what G(illian) is on about either, but then nobody ever does as I'm sure LL will confirm. She is 73 tho'.

 

I winning

 

I somehow got to thinking that Big Bad Bazza (who he?) had some sort of say about who wins and when - a situation open to the most obvious abuses. (I love ya, Bazza, pick me.) If we're going to have competetive posting, we should be clear about the rules. Otherwise, there's no point. No point at all to posting in a topic titled "Last one to post wins". No point whatsoever - this is just a bleak nihilist exercise in pointlessness. The vast wastes of the universe shrink in significance compared to the grim nothingness implied by this topic. Endless void...

 

*Goes for lie-down*

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Maybe my brain cells are also not what they were. Bit of excitement just now anyway, three hugely fat coppers just came and nicked someone out of the call centre in the next office. Made a note to vastly exagerate what went on to explain any crap performances today, perhaps saying he had a bomb or something.

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Yes that it, thats the very point of all this nonsense.

 

Big bad Bazza is Director Barry Owen, maybe you knew that, maybe you didn't.

 

I had an employee picked up by the fuzz once........ hang on wrong thread,

She's be more of a short term contractor rather than an employee, surely?

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