24hoursfromtulsehill

It's nzlatics's to lose now. It's just a question of whether he can handle the pressure after last season's outright implosion.

As opposed to 24-hour horseracing from around the world? Possibly.

^This, except it's difficult to get a cab from Vauxhall because the station is in the middle of a huge red route gyratory. You'd have to head off down to Stockwell road and wait there for one.

...In fact...I'd be tempted by a combination of public transport and Uber. I'd jump on the Victoria line southbound at Euston and jump out at (eeny meany miney mo) Pimlico, then call in Uber. You're through the traffic delay heaven of the centre of London once you get to Pimlico and your Uber driver has plenty of route options. It's doable.

Uber is the most reliable taxi firm in London. I understand you can now book them in advance (I've never done it) but I've rarely waited more than five minutes for one. You defo won't wait long outside Euston.

There's no easy way to do this and you should probably lower your expectations of seeing kick-off. (You'll probably arrive 10 minutes late with OASIS.) Uber is your best chance by cab and won't cost you £10,000 like a black cab would. To maximise your kick-off chances, you might have to order it before you arrive in Euston. Set the pick-up destination as the corner of Melton Street and Drummond Street (that's where they all hang around). I'd trust me to drive that distance in an hour but your Uber types tend to rely on satnav rather than The Force. Your public transport option is high risk but, if it comes off, you'll probably make the kick-off. Run from the train to the Victoria line southbound. Jump off at Vauxhall. Run up the escalator and the stairs to the mainline station. There are screens in the concourse to help you decide which platform you need. You want the 1122 to Shepperton. Get off at Norbiton and it's a 10-minute walk to the ground. The problem with with the public transport option is it's a bank holiday weekend, which probably means underground and/or mainline train shenanigans. You'd have to go on the TfL website to find out the details. You should definitely get the Citymapper app in any case, so you can follow any unplanned road or rail disruption in real time, before you get to Euston. (I usually check what's happening just about when you pass Wembley on the train.)

You can only beat the dross in front of you.

Well happy to have matched the top scores in my just-for-fun prediction. Class is permanent. And you all know it.

What did you get on Satdi? Fuck all again? Thought so. Mind you. It's been a long season and I expect you're tired after all your efforts not to get relegated.

Really not bad for a first prediction of the season. Correct result, correct Latics score, correct half-time. Over a season, that sort of performance would make the Title a cert. Retirement from retirement is one step closer. I've convinced myself I've still got it.

Yes. And it hit the wall about bollock height.

We're in the beer garden, where they're showing Merseyside v Derby.

I cant wait for the big reveal when I finally tell everyone about the nzlatic ruse.

I've definitely got a time stamp on it (from 2007 or so). But I wouldn't care less at all if it's put abroad as a generally known thing.

I've got no Ikea.

Well, yes. But I'm also painfully aware of the Hansard law of pedantry, which I wrote. The law is this: the more pedantic your criticism of someone's English gets, the more likely you are to fuck up your own. Keeping it short is the only way.

The really funny thing is that I've been telegraphing the possibility of opening a sockpuppet account. I've already got one. Can you guess what it is?

sewn

Looks like tomorrow could be the day. Strangely, there's no legal reason why either or any of the 28 parties can't just stop negotiating and call it off as a bad job. To be fair, the more I think about May, the more I think she'll actually do it. My first impression was she's a pragmatist...and therefore would rather do anything than orientate a resistant and ill-equipped civil service to undertake national suicide. Now I think she'd rather do anything than shrink away from doing what she's said she'll do, even if that means national suicide. She'll be fine, just like Cameron. I'll be fine, to an extent. It's the people who voted Brexit who have most to worry about - the M62 corridor, the farmers, the fisherfucks, the Welsh and so on. Flashforward 10 years. A suburban estate on the outskirts of Rotherham. See that clapped out car in the driveway? That car used to run when we were in the EU. On the plus side, it looks like the Norn Irish might be off sooner rather than later. Even the prods will vote for it if deserting the sinking RMS United Kingdom means €€€.

A TFL what? What's this extra level of Oyster I haven't heard about? I'm aiming for the 11.55 but not sure about the early train home. Fancied a trip to the pleasure beach.

Sure, Putin. Call it how you see it.

Shocking fact really. Ear infection is still favourite for me but cutting off a toe has also been suggested. A sudden fear of flying could also be a runner. I am actually scared of flying so the lie partially fits the truth.

Just for fun. Southend 1 - 0 Latics (0-0) 7045

I'm in favour of a move back to the Chaddy. Just seeing the pictures on Saturday was enough. It just looked and felt right.

I suppose. But you definitely should've taken me up on my consultancy offer. If our conversation gets stilted...if there's even a nanosecond of silence...I might bring that up.