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Friday Joke Factory


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A woman is walking down the street and comes across a pet shop with a sale notice – “clitoris licking frog”

 

She pauses for a moment, and thinks, to hell with it, Ill take one, she walks up to the sales assistant and says ‘Im here about the clitoris licking frog’ to which the assistant replies

 

 

wait for it !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Bonjour Madam”

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Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her holiday sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Holiday Inn doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

 

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man.

 

"You're lying on the dining room skylight."

 

Ba-boom.

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."

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My wife and I were sharing a bottle of wine when I said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

 

My wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's".

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A little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?".

 

The shop keeper's heart melted. He got down on his knees so that he was on her level and said "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?".

 

The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and whispered.......

 

"I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a fuc".

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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

 

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

 

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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24 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN

1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

 

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

 

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

 

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

 

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

 

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

 

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

 

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grr, what does it look like!"

 

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

 

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

 

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

 

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

 

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

 

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

 

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

 

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

 

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

 

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

 

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

 

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

 

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, oh nothing much, just third-degree burns"

 

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

 

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

 

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

 

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

 

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

 

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." :lol:

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10 Reasons Not To Jog

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

 

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

 

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

 

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

 

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

 

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

 

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

 

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

 

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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letter to my husband

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

 

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

 

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

 

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

 

Your loving wife.

XXX

 

 

P.S. Your girlfriend called!

5680.jpg

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Man utd shirt.... 35 quid

* Computer for daughter...... 675 quid

 

* Accidently walking in as your daughter gets her tits out on webcam................PRICELESS

Edited by Stevie_J
Moderated, bit too 'adult' that, Bob.
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A brand new department store has opened that sells Husbands. When a woman goes into the store to choose her new husband she must follow the instructions at the front door. The instructions read as follows:

 

"You may visit this store only once in your lifetime. You must only pick one husband. There are 6 floors in total and the value of each husband ascends as you get higher up the floor levels. You may choose any item from any floor BUT once you leave a floor you may not return to it. You CANNOT go back down expect to exit the store.All sales are final...we do not do refunds"

 

So a woman goes into the 'Husband's are Us Store' to find a husband.

 

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. "yeah whatever" she thinks and keeps moving up.

 

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. "That's great but I can get better" she thinks and moves up again.

 

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor.

 

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Now you're talking" she thinks to herself and she is tempted to stay but curious about what sort of husband might be on the next floor she moves on.

 

She gets to Floor 6 - She reads the sign in expectation...You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

To avoid gender bias charges, and to satisfy the complaints form all the blokes in the area, the store's owner opens a 'New Wives Store' just across the street.

 

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

 

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 

The 3rd to 6th floors have never been visited.

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Irishman on death row

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot

2. to be hung

3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

 

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

 

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

 

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

 

They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

 

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

 

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom

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A young Iraqi lad signs a pro contract at Nottingham Forest, He scores a hat trick on his debut and gets carried of the pitch on everyones shoulders. He rushes off all excited and rings home to tell his Mum the good news then asks how the family are.

 

How are we she yells, the house has been burnt down, your Dads been shot, your sister has been raped and Ive been robbed at gun point. Why the flip did you bring us to Nottingham :D

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Man utd shirt.... 35 quid

* Computer for daughter...... 675 quid

 

* Accidently walking in as your daughter gets her tits out on webcam................PRICELESS

This post has been edited by Stevie_J: Today, 17:22 PM

Reason for edit: Moderated, bit too 'adult' that, Bob.

steve you must admit nice pai thou

Edited by boboafc
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This post has been edited by Stevie_J: Today, 17:22 PM

Reason for edit: Moderated, bit too 'adult' that, Bob.

steve you must admit nice pai thou

 

Yes, yes. Keep the visuals down Bob. Post a link to the picture and a warning of content please, but don't post it directly in the forums.

 

Thanks mate.

 

It is funny though...

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with her

parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend

that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.

 

 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a

trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his

first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

 

 

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the

register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a

3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

 

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house & meets his

girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on

in!"

 

 

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's

parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head.

 

 

A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

 

10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.

 

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over &

whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

 

The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a

pharmacist."

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Subject: 20 reasons when a girl should call it a night..... (none have EVER applied to me, of course ;) )

 

1. You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.

 

2. You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling

your bottom while yelling "She Bangs She Bangs" is truly the hottest

dance move around!!!

 

3. You've suddenly decided that you want to fight someone and you

honestly believe that you could do it too.

 

4. In your last trip to the toilet you realise you now look more like

Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

 

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor, pick it up and carry on

eating it.

 

6. You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them

sooooo much.

 

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

 

8. You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.

 

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.

 

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and

sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

 

11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you

decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotic .

 

12. You seem to think that it's a really good idea to get your mates to

push you down the street in a shopping trolley.

 

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving

you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the

vodka.

 

14. You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the

kitchen floor.

 

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the

WRONG WAY but..."

 

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

 

17. Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

 

18. You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen

to be standing)

 

19. You begin leaving the buttons open on your button

flypants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your

drink.

 

20. You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault

that you're having problems walking straight.

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On a similar theme.......

 

The Five Stages Of Drunkenness And Sobering Up

 

Drinking

 

 

Stage 1 - Clever: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This takes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

 

Stage 2 - Attractive: This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

 

Stage 3 - Rich: This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

 

Stage 4 - Invincible: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

 

Stage 5 - Invisible: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

 

 

Sobering Up

 

Stage 1 - Stupid: As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

 

Stage 2 - Ugly: Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier.Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

 

Stage 3 - Poor: Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

 

Stage 4 - Fragile: As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

 

Stage 5 - Conspicuous: This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

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Man utd shirt.... 35 quid

* Computer for daughter...... 675 quid

 

* Accidently walking in as your daughter gets her tits out on webcam................PRICELESS

 

Bob, could you pm me that picture, and yes, I am a pervert.

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