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A "weird dreams" thread


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I’m getting memories back of a dream I had last night. I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate).

 

Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light.

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I’m getting memories back of a dream I had last night. I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate).

 

Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light.

 

Might I suggest that you refrain from eating cheese on toast for supper whilst watching The Lost Boys, in future Andy?! :dead:

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I’m getting memories back of a dream I had last night. I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate).

 

Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light.

You, my friend, need help :wink:

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I’m getting memories back of a dream I had last night. I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate).

 

Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light.

sounds like you have been watching blade blade-trinity_snipes.jpg

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  • 8 months later...

OK – so we were playing at the evil Old Trafford. For some reason I was in a section that was entirely surrounded by Red Soxx fans. They were taking the piss and throwing bits and pieces at us but generally it wasn’t too serious. At one point Chaddy ran on to collect the ball after the ref blew for something, then he actually started playing, unusually for him in a holding midfield. He put one very decent tackle in that I remember.

 

Anyway, some passing United fan tripped me up (we were in a terraced section, incidentally) and I fell off the front of the stand. I avoided death by managing to cling onto bits of the stand all the way down but I couldn’t stop myself from falling slowly down all of the tiers bit by bit. A nice lady copper saw that I was quite shaken up by this and led me through some dingy corridors to a stall where she got me a cup of tea. There were various special breakfast offers on sale which the coppers got for a special discount rate with a nod and a wink. The bloke who had tripped me up and sent me over the stand walked past and kicked me. I thought about shopping him to the copper but let it pass.

 

Don’t know the final score, but I will assume we won to create a happy ending. And yes, I had been eating cheese.

 

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OK – so we were playing at the evil Old Trafford. For some reason I was in a section that was entirely surrounded by Red Soxx fans. They were taking the piss and throwing bits and pieces at us but generally it wasn’t too serious. At one point Chaddy ran on to collect the ball after the ref blew for something, then he actually started playing, unusually for him in a holding midfield. He put one very decent tackle in that I remember.

 

Anyway, some passing United fan tripped me up (we were in a terraced section, incidentally) and I fell off the front of the stand. I avoided death by managing to cling onto bits of the stand all the way down but I couldn’t stop myself from falling slowly down all of the tiers bit by bit. A nice lady copper saw that I was quite shaken up by this and led me through some dingy corridors to a stall where she got me a cup of tea. There were various special breakfast offers on sale which the coppers got for a special discount rate with a nod and a wink. The bloke who had tripped me up and sent me over the stand walked past and kicked me. I thought about shopping him to the copper but let it pass.

 

Don’t know the final score, but I will assume we won to create a happy ending. And yes, I had been eating cheese.

 

I almost beleived it untill i read that bit. You have obviously never seen me play. Im not known for my tackling....and thats an understatment :shock:

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I almost beleived it untill i read that bit. You have obviously never seen me play. Im not known for my tackling....and thats an understatment :shock:

:unsure:

 

Pretty sure I have

 

:unsure:

 

 

I did say it was a weird dream though... I seem to recall you were fast as well :shock:

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I'm happy to see this thread in my 'view new posts' this morning.....it provides the opportunity to share something disturbing, and a problem shared is a problem halved.

 

I won't beat around the bush, the night before last I was having a random yet pleasant dream about a girl I've known for years. It turned into a nightmare however when I got to where (I think) her clitoris ought to have been and discovered a molar tooth in its place.

 

:o

 

I know, I know.....

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Bah, who doesn't have the old weird dreams. From the traditional falling from a great height or all my teeth falling out.

The good ones of surfing a large wish, or appearing in my own version of The Naked Gun (and waking up laughing). To the bad one of blood coming from every orifice, with no one telling me what was wrong (in a not telling as I don't want to be the one to do it, rather than a non-helping manner), and everytime you ask someone blood just drops out of my mouth.

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Last night, as he went to bed, Jack did like he always does, kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep.

 

All of a sudden,he opens his eyes and sees an elderly man dressed in a white robe, standing in front of his bed.

 

"Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?" He asked.

 

"This isn't your bedroom." The man replied. "I am St. Peter and you're in Heaven."

 

"WHAT!" Said Jack. "Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young. I want you to send me back immediately."

 

"It's not that easy." Said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

 

Jack thought about it and figured that being a dog is too tiring but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought. "I want to return as a hen." Jack replied.

 

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken coop, nicely feathered. But there was this uncomfortable feeling in his rear end. It felt like it was gonna explode. Just then along came a rooster.

 

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about. How do you like being a hen?"

 

" Well, okay I guess, but my rear end feels like it's about to explode."

 

"Oh that!" Said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

 

"How do I do that?" Jack asked.

 

"Cluck twice and then you push real hard."

 

So Jack clucked twice, pushed hard and 'plop', an egg was on the ground. "Wow!" Said Jack. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed and yes, there was another egg on the ground.

 

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

 

"Jack, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're crapping all over the bed!"

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How the hell did you find it? I thought that clitoris was one of those "urban myths".

He was obviously looking for it in her mouth :shock:

 

Hang on, wasn't that the plot line of Deep Throat? He might be onto something, that's where it's been hiding all these years...

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I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate).

 

Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light.

 

 

"OK, thanks to Andy from the South London Pro Glue Sniffing Organisation. Next week we'll be talking to Rachael from the Scottish Dinner Tie appreciation Society, here on 'Every Town's Got 'Em'. Until then, goodbye, and Stay Weird!"

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  • 5 months later...

It's been a bumper festive period. Last night I got my Johnson out in the stairwell of my work, then put it back, but got it out again in the lift lobby (which has cameras) and pissed on the floor. I knew they would investigate and see the tape so I had resolved on my way in the next day that I was going to own up, but I was intercepted on the way in by two Scandanavian doctors who a couple of the management had sent to brief my on how to put the incident down to a bizarre medical condition so that I would get off.

 

Thankfully, I did not piss the bed during the course of this.

Edited by leeslover
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It's been a bumper festive period. Last night I got my Johnson out in the stairwell of my work, then put it back, but got it out again in the lift lobby (which has cameras) and pissed on the floor. I knew they would investigate and see the tape so I had resolved on my way in the next day that I was going to own up, but I was intercepted on the way in by two Scandanavian doctors who a couple of the management had sent to brief my on how to put the incident down to a bizarre medical condition so that I would get off.

 

Thankfully, I did not piss the bed during the course of this.

 

 

Hmm...which part of the above post was edited...not the last line by any chance ?

Edited by Yard Dog
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