Worst Jokes Ever

[footy68]

Almost as bad as mine.

[Guest oa_exile]

What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling ?

 

Shaundelier

 

 

Did you hear about the two Irish Gays

 

Patrick Fitsmichael and Michael Fitspatrick

 

 

How do you get four Gays on a bar stool ?

 

Turn it upside down

 

 

How do you confuse an Irishman ?

 

Put three shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick

[maddog]

How do you get four Gays on a bar stool ?

 

Turn it upside down

[garcon]

Bloke takes his rottweiler to the vet.

"Is there anything you can do? He's cross-eyed."

"Let's have a look," says the vet, picks the dog up and looks carefully into each eye.

"I'm going to have to put him down."

"Put him down? Just cos he's cross eyed?!"

"No, he's really heavy."

 

I met this Dutch girl on holiday with inflatable shoes.

Tried to get in touch a while later, but it was really sad. Turned out she'd popped her clogs.

 

Took some friends out for a meal last night. Showing off, I ordered everything in French.

That confused them... it was a Chinese restaurant.

 

 

 

Oh, and finally.....

 

 

Man Utd 0

Coventry 2

 

Edited September 26, 2007 by garcon

[Diego_Sideburns]

Man Utd 0

Coventry 2

 

PMSL - the funniest one I've heard for ages.

[happyterryb]

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mouse.

 

Bloody big holes in your skirting board!!!

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

No Idea

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs.

 

Still no idea.

 

What do you call a woman in the middle of a tennis court?

 

Annette!

[happyterryb]

PMSL - the funniest one I've heard for ages.

 

Thats not funny...Its hilarious!!!

[Guest oa_exile]

Anyone read the book "Broken Windows" written by Eva Brick ?

[StipeTripe]

Anyone read the book "Broken Windows" written by Eva Brick ?

 

 

No but I read "I Discipline for All" by Tanya Arze

 

Did you here about the two gay cowboys, Yup and Yep?

 

Man goes to the doctors with a blob of custard in one ear and a b;ob of jelly in t'other

 

"what seems to be the problem" asks the Doc

 

The man replies "Wot?? I'm sorry you'll have to speak up I'm a trifle deaf"

[pjkent]

I used to be a werewolf..............but I'm all right nnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

 

 

I say I say I say

 

I shot my dog last night

 

Was it mad?

 

Well, he wasn't very pleased

[Guest oa_exile]

Irish Tax Audit‏

 

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

 

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

 

Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bitemy own eye."

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

 

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

 

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."

 

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

 

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £10,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"

[mastap]

Irish Tax Audit‏

 

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

 

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

 

Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bitemy own eye."

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

 

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

 

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."

 

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

 

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £10,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"

 

LOVIN IT!!!! some of these jokes are great. should open a post of funniest jokes! great to laff at!

[OldhamSheridan]

A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange.

 

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the soccer game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

 

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."

 

The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

 

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.

 

I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the verge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...

 

I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-buried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.

 

There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.

 

'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'

 

I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'

 

'Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.

 

'What is you second wish, my master?'

 

I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'

 

'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

 

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.

 

'What is your third wish, my master?'

 

I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

 

At last, I spoke.

 

'Djinni, for my third wish, I want half my head to be an orange.'"

[maddog]

A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange.

 

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the soccer game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

 

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."

 

The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

 

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.

 

I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the verge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...

 

I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-buried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.

 

There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.

 

'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'

 

I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'

 

'Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.

 

'What is you second wish, my master?'

 

I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'

 

'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

 

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.

 

'What is your third wish, my master?'

 

I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

 

At last, I spoke.

 

'Djinni, for my third wish, I want half my head to be an orange.'"

[leeslover]

Strangely on topic

 

Brothers mark 20 years of chuckles

By Caroline Briggs

Entertainment reporter, BBC News

 

 

The Chuckle Brothers - AKA Barry and Paul Chuckle - celebrate 20 years of their BBC children's show ChuckleVision this week.

At the Bide-A-Wee retirement home, two old men step gingerly from the doorway.

 

Suddenly, one of them slips on a banana skin, sending him flying in the air and onto his back with a groan.

 

 

The brothers' first BBC series was called Chucklehounds

 

 

In Pictures: Filming the show

 

But no-one rushes to help the old man to his feet. Instead, a peal of laughter sounds from the people standing nearby.

 

The 'old' men are none other than the Chuckle Brothers - purveyors of banana skins, custard pies and mushy peas - and they are on the set of the latest series of their ChuckleVision children's TV show, near Watford.

 

Ask most children under the age of eight, and they will tell you: the Chuckle Brothers are hilarious. To them they are Eddie Izzard, Ricky Gervais and Russell Brand rolled into one.

 

It is also ChuckleVision's 20th birthday. The first ever episode aired on 26 September 1987.

 

"Twenty years, is that how long?" asks Paul, feigning amazement.

 

"It doesn't seem like 20 years. It feels like two or three," says Barry who, at 63, is three years older than his brother.

 

"After 20 years we are still coming up with new ideas, which is amazing."

 

 

To me, to you

 

The gags and the funnies, the falling on your backside or walking into a door or into a lamppost is age-old comedy

 

Paul Chuckle

When children come face-to-face with the Chuckle Brothers they squeal with delight, or regard them with shy reverence. Students have been known to bow down at their feet.

 

But it is their To Me, To You catchphrase that is recognisable to most. And if they don't use it during one of their regular stage shows, they know there's going to be trouble.

 

"Kids will say to us 'you didn't say it,'" says Paul. "They really want to hear it."

 

But while the catchphrase - rapidly delivered in their Yorkshire tones - was never intentional, it is now a firm favourite of removal men up and down the land.

 

"We've used it ever since we were kids at home, if we were moving a chair or something," says Barry.

 

 

Barry (left) and Paul dress up as their 'Granddads' for an episode

"Then we did it in the first series of ChuckleVision, and people suddenly coming up to us and saying it."

 

Of the 300 ChuckleVision episodes made, Paul and Barry reckon the catchphrase is in 35%. They can't remember how many times they have fallen over.

 

ChuckleVision has taken the brothers to the moon and in search of the Loch Ness Monster. They have been golfers, plumbers, and even turned their hand to chimney sweeping.

 

Today they are a little greyer around the whiskers, but their enthusiasm is undimmed.

 

Double-act

 

There is vague talk of retirement, but these graduates of RADA - Rotherham Academy of Dramatic Arts, if you please - admit they know little else.

 

The brothers come from a family of entertainers. Their father, Gene Patton, was a comedian, their mother a dancer, while two of their older brothers, Jimmy and Brian, have their own long-running double act.

 

 

The new series of ChuckleVision will be screened next year

 

Showbiz, they say, runs through them like lettering on a stick of seaside rock.

 

The brothers' act won the ITV talent show New Faces in 1974, but contractual problems meant they could not take up TV offers. By the time they could, producers had given up trying.

 

So they made a living peddling their end-of-pier style show around provincial theatres and pantomimes, eventually landing their big TV break in the unlikely setting of Ashton-under-Lyne, Greater Manchester, in the mid-1980s.

 

"We were asked to do a tour with Ward Allen, the ventriloquist with a big dog," explains Paul.

 

"So we went to Ashton-under-Lyne, and one afternoon there were 28 people. We thought we'd just go out and enjoy ourselves, which we did.

 

"What we didn't know was Martin Hughes and Peter Risdale Scott from the BBC were in the circle upstairs. We got a call the next day asking to meet us for lunch, and it has just gone from there."

 

Down with the kids

 

The brothers bounded onto children's TV in 1985 dressed as giant furry dogs in ChuckleHounds. The show was a hit, and two years later ChuckleVision was born.

 

 

After 20 years of inexpertly carrying furniture, falling down manholes, and slipping on banana skins, the Chuckle Brothers are still going strong, and they are still down with the kids. The reason, they say, is simple.

 

"Anyone can have a laugh at our type of comedy," says Barry.

 

Paul adds: "It's age-old comedy that goes back to Roman times. The gags and the funnies, the falling on your backside or walking into a door or into a lamppost is age-old comedy. If you hurt yourself, people think it's funny.

 

"As people get older they get talked into what they think should be funny by their peers. You are talked into finding things funny, instead of just watching. If something is funny, it's funny, if it's not, it's not.

 

"You can't do that with kids. You can't tell kids what is funny. They tell you."

 

A mate of mine is a Rotherham fan, I often mock him for the paucity of celebrity comedian fans his club can boast.

[wardlelatic]

Strangely on topic

A mate of mine is a Rotherham fan, I often mock him for the paucity of celebrity comedian fans his club can boast.

 

 

agree LL

 

see post 31 on this thread

[leeslover]

agree LL

 

see post 31 on this thread

Oh yes

[Inspiral_Carpet]

Did you hear about the two homosexuals who confused a jar of putty for a jar of vaseline?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All their windows fell out.

[Guest oa_exile]

Oh yes

 

LL keep up , now that's funny

[stebuzz]

People really should read the topic first. Summat like 50 million jokes have already been repeated

guy in a chinese restaurant calls over the waiter. ERE MATE THIS CHICKEN TASTES RUBBERY.

 

 

FANK YOU FANK YOU says the waiter , WILL PASS COMPLIMENTS TO CHEF.

[futchers briefs]

Q. Why's life like oral sex..........................

 

 

 

A. one slip of the tongue and you're in the sh1t!!!!

[StipeTripe]

Man walks into a butchers shop and asks "have you got a sheep's head" Butcher says "No I always have my hair cut like this"

 

 

 

Man goes into a butchers "Have you got pigs trotters"

 

Butcher says "No its just the way I'm am stood"

 

 

Man goes into the butchers and says "half a pound of bacon please". The butcher replies "lean back" and the man....... oh hang on thats not gonna work on here is it, d'oh

 

 

Them 2 gay cowboys I mentioned, I here they road into town last night and shot up the Sheriff.

[Guest oa_exile]

Q. Why's life like oral sex..........................

A. one slip of the tongue and you're in the sh1t!!!!

 

I heard that one slightly differently ..............

 

What's the Gestapo and oral sex got in common

 

One slip of the tongue and you're in the sh1t!!!!

[Beardy]

Did you hear about the gay mexicans?

 

they wouldnt let a dago by.

 

 

Paddy and murphy in space, Paddy goes for a space walk.

 

Half an hour later Murphy hears a knock on the door, He says...

 

"Who's That?"

[footy68]

Paddy and Mick working in a mine, Paddy says ' It's dark down here isn't it?' Mick replies ' I don't know, I can't see.'

 

 

Paddy and Mick walking down the street, Paddy falls down a manhole. Mick shouts ' Have you broken anything Patrick?' Paddy replies ' No, there's nothing down here to break.'