garcon Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 Spent the afternoon attending to the wife's grave. She's not dead. She thinks I'm digging a pond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldhamSheridan Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 My wife loves playing monopoly. It's the only chance she'll ever have of winning second prize in a beauty contest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldhamSheridan Posted September 19, 2010 Share Posted September 19, 2010 I think Wayne Rooney should be dropped as the face of Coca-Cola. They should hire a genuine, coke-loving sportsman like Ricky Hatton. Stella Artois 4. When you want to give her just a bit of a slap. As I started watching '20,000 Leagues Under the Sea' last night ... I had no idea it was a documentary of this year's Pakistani football season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted September 19, 2010 Share Posted September 19, 2010 A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaddy the owl Posted September 19, 2010 Share Posted September 19, 2010 I suggested to my wife that we start introuducing fruit into our sex games......She went F**king bananas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hometownclub Posted September 20, 2010 Share Posted September 20, 2010 I feel sorry for the McCanns. Maddie being The Stig was their last hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downender2 Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 come on lads ...I need some new material 2 blokes are walking in the desert when one needs a piss, and gets his cock bitten by a snake. His mate calls the doc to ask what he should do. “You need to suck the venom” says the doctor. "So", asks his mate, "what did he say ???" He says you’re gonna die Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueJazzer Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. 'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?' She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .' He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.' 'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?' 'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.' Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!' 'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueJazzer Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 One fine sunny day in the jungle Mr Rabbit is merely on his daily run when he sees a giraffe rolling a joint. ‘Giraffe, oh Giraffe!’ he calls. ‘Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead’. So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing lines. ‘Elephant, oh Elephant!’ he calls. ‘Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead’. So the elephant stops snorting and goes running with the other two animals. Then they come across a loin preparing a syringe. ‘Lion, oh Lion!’ calls the rabbit. ‘Why do you do drugs? Don’t do that, come run with me instead’ But no- with a mighty roar the lion raises one paw and smashes the rabbit to smithereens. ‘No!’ cry the giraffe and the elephant. ‘Why did you do that, Mr Rabbit was only trying to help you out’. The lion growls at them, ‘That friggin rabbit always makes me run round the jungle when he’s whizzing his tits off!’ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueJazzer Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my Daughter an iPod for hers, was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day. Got my wife an iRon for her Birthday, ................it was around then the fight started. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueJazzer Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat!" says the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said............ "Meow." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wardlelatic Posted October 2, 2010 Share Posted October 2, 2010 The Chairman of the Indian Commonwealth games has just tried to hang himself! But the ceiling collapsed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stebuzz Posted October 3, 2010 Author Share Posted October 3, 2010 The Chairman of the Indian Commonwealth games has just tried to hang himself! But the ceiling collapsed! i like that one, that reminds me. a prisoner is being escorted across the yard to the shed where he is about to be put to death. its pissing down with rain. he turns to the guard and says NOT A VERY NICE DAY FOR A HANGING IS IT. the guard replies YOU SHOULD MOAN I HAVE TO COME BACK IN THIS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stebuzz Posted October 3, 2010 Author Share Posted October 3, 2010 come on lads ...I need some new material 2 blokes are walking in the desert when one needs a piss, and gets his cock bitten by a snake. His mate calls the doc to ask what he should do. “You need to suck the venom” says the doctor. "So", asks his mate, "what did he say ???" He says you’re gonna die A bloke goes into a barbers and asks for a TONY CURTIS haircut. he feels tired so has a nap and asks the man to wake him when hes finished. he wakes up to find his head is like an egg, shaved bald. YOU PILLOCK he says THATS NOT HOW TONY CURTIS HAS HIS HAIRSTYLE. YES IT IS says the barber I SHOULD KNOW I SAW THE KING AND I 6 TIMES. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 A bloke goes into a barbers and asks for a TONY CURTIS haircut. he feels tired so has a nap and asks the man to wake him when hes finished. he wakes up to find his head is like an egg, shaved bald. YOU PILLOCK he says THATS NOT HOW TONY CURTIS HAS HIS HAIRSTYLE. YES IT IS says the barber I SHOULD KNOW I SAW THE KING AND I 6 TIMES. yul brynner was in it not tony curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 the biggest joke is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jorvik_latic Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 yul brynner was in it not tony curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 following there last defeat liverpool have set up a a helpline to assist their fans through this distressing time the number is 0800 10 10 10, that number was selected as its easy for the fans to remember 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted October 17, 2010 Share Posted October 17, 2010 Steven Gerrard is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Alex Curran asks him why he's celebrating. He answers "Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days." "And that’s good?" asks Curran. "You bet Hon" says Gerrard."It says 3 to 6 years on the box." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takemeanywhere Posted October 17, 2010 Share Posted October 17, 2010 News from Liverpool's John Lennon Airport. The phrase 'Above us only sky' has been replaced with 'Below us only Hammers'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon Posted October 17, 2010 Share Posted October 17, 2010 Can't wait for next season's Merseyside derby. Liverpool v Tranmere Rovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horlicks Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 I was watching Liverpool on the telly when the wife came home unexpectedly early from work, I quickly put on some porn and pulled my pants down round my ankles to avoid any embarrassment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 (edited) I was watching Liverpool on the telly when the wife came home unexpectedly early from work, I quickly put on some porn and pulled my pants down round my ankles to avoid any embarrassment. nicked it too Edited October 19, 2010 by boboafc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roger Ritchie Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 Can't wait for next season's Merseyside derby. Liverpool v Tranmere Rovers. Tranmere getting promoted? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveoafc Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 You may remember i told you about my visit to dragons den with a landmine disguised as a prayer mat. Well i've now trialled it and prophets are going through the roof! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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